H50h 3.20 Non-sardonic Recap (Mostly): Cause It Shredded My <3 to Pieces [Part 1]

I never meant to have a virtual presence. Let along setting up a blog. I also never meant to recap. And here I go. Anno Domini, After Alex, 6 hrs after my first sight of 3.20, I rewatch, recap and recry.

*** Spoiler: Plot Details and Epic Oversharing Impending. ***

REpetition: Korean border, OMZ Checkpoint. I McNerd OMZ and don’t find enlightenment. (Infant Sardonic? Help?) I rechristen it Oh-My-Zeus Chokepoint. That’s what Bing suggests. A plain coffin is being exchanged for two scooters in headbags, who will hence never convince anyone that they had an appearance on H50h. A puffed up non-Caucasian points his chin upwards in McG’s direction and speaks in an accent which is now my very own cause I may or may have not REwatched the opening two minutes REpeatedly when they were REleased as a teaser. The non-CC with the cocked chin has the b@lls and the barbarity to inquire WTF (translates as “Who is he tof you?”), which McG ignores with a subtle series of facial expressions that make my ❤ choke and my panties cry. ::: Tissue count: 1+. ::: Also, the koala Korean setting freaks me out cause WW III might be impending and I can’t be sardonic about it. {Click pics to enlarge.}

Steve saying it without words.

Seal School, Coronado, California. The REturn of the Bald Guy, who exercises cruelty on baby seals bathing in what appears to be the Arctic Ocean. Weird, I thought CA was a warm place. (Anyone?) Tho the only geography I take genuine interest in is McGeography, really. Some very nice scenery of some very nice wet seals playing in the sand, jumping up and down and generally dancing to the BG’s tune. THIS IS FKN TORTURE. On the other hand, the clinging sand has a very nice effect on the FOY and the Not FOYs. (FOYeur? Like?)

Blondie, whose name I don’t catch cause my teeth are chattering as much as his are right now, is abused and humiliated for no purpose training purpose. The BG lures Blondie to his hut on the beach with w@rm bl@nkets and hawt beverages, but has his offer turned down. Blondie babbles patriotic ballast. Poor dear, the cold is making him mad. ::: (Sidebar: As a native of the former Communist Bloc I claim my inherent right to be suspicious of ideologies. You may not like it but pls respect it.) ::: The tea beach party is dismissed and McG drags Blondie to his tent off camera.

The Bald Guy is oh-ing Blondie. If this is not a euphemism, then I don’t know what is.

Sealhole fantasy. Replaces foxhole fantasy. McG wakes up to find the pillow next to him empty. He jumps out too fast to please us with any worth-while sightings of the regions normally covered by camo pants. (Paula? Gif?) He runs for life, like the McG we love, and comes in first. I mean, he comes in just in time to ambush and McRoll Blondie, poor mislead lamb, who was about to ring the bell three times to have a wish granted. I mean, to have the BG make his pain go away, as he was promised at the beach multiple dating event. McG shouts: “Go back to bed!” and I scream: “Oh, yes, where, pls?!” so loud that my neighbours are now filing a complaint of night noise disturbance. ::: (FYI: It’s 5AM here, GMT+1. Also, I giggle as I recap. Am I mildly funny or is it just me?) :::

There’s some serious but short grappling and I’m just sitting back, relaxing and occasionally licking my lips. (Cause the boys are punching each other in their mouths and I’m commiserating, ok?) The BG cuts my pleasure short and a dance off ensues. I don’t understand what is being said, which is totally to blame on my poor English and no relation whatsoever to how devastatingly desirable the panting BAMF boys look. McG and Not McG are kindly asked ordered to bear-crawl back to their dens, which they “yessir-we-are” duly do.

Come back to bed, my boy.

Scene cut. Military shower au natural. Sorry, ladies, this went out wrong, what I’m saying is that it’s raining. Animal action: The boys are playing big bad bear a$$es. While crawling on all the four (McG with the extra support of his fifth limb, that is, the FOY) in the downpour on the swampy ground, they’re humouring each other with a seeerious convo. I’m still not listening too hard cause I’m fully occupied checking out Dat A$$ and Not Dat A$$ sightings. And, yes, this is totally about the plot. (Ess? C-word?)

So: Without even bothering to listen, I’m pretty positive there’s emotional blackmail going on, during which McG stands up to tower over Blondie and demands to know if the latter <3s him. Wait. This is just something going on in my head. In fact, the two act actually bromantic, tho; a bonding moment over homemade slivovitz whiskey gets mentioned, as does the obvious statement that Blondie really and truly wants to become a sealman. Not to be confused with fisherman. Cause Blondie’s father was so proud of him when he joined the Seals? Seriously? I hope this is not Blondie’s reason. Also, the music just now is ridiculous.

Seals in rain.

Scene shift to McG storytelling this to Cath over the REclaimed coffin. Sentimental stuff while the ridiculous music continues grating on my nerves and I don’t like this scene. Cath does not like this scene either cause she twists her lips in a strange fashion while adding more sentimental ballast to out-and-over-sentimentalise McG. [Check out the pic below.] This is overdone. ::: (Sidebar: As legally married spouse to a debt collector, I claim my right in law to be an unsentimental cynical freak. Survival technique.) ::: Next: McG shouts something in response to an extra-who-has-one-line and then without pausing lowers his voice to whisper to Cath to give him a minute with his Not McG alone and this sound frequency and volume are just right for my panties and these are currently experiencing pangs of feeelings I can’t properly describe in any language.

Where was I? Here: Danno calls to ask how his boy is. This is not overdone and I like this scene. Meanwhile, McG is digging in the coffin and tho I wouldn’t tell how he tells on the first sight that this is not his Not McG, he makes a very p!ssed-off face and my panties are scared. Delightfully horrified, that is. Cath and McG have a convo on this discovery and it doesn’t much matter what they’re saying cause McG’s camo is giving him the deepest greenest eyes that go perfectly with his determined-cross-desperate face and I’m LOST. ::: Tissue count: 2+. :::

Clearly, Cath doesn’t like this scene either.

So where was I again? Yes, in Iraq and not happy about that on any level. Bad hair day. Bad clarica scene. “Yessir, I know the Hesse bros, they blah blah blah,” claricas McG and I stop listening cause I know it all already, id!ot Show! I’m trying to focus on the dirt on McG’s face and inadvertently raise my hand to volunteer to lick it off. My neighbours, who came to complain about the earlier night noise disturbance, interpret this as an obscene gesture. Also, McG is wearing gloves in which all his fingers are nekkid! Are all of his fingers trigger fingers? Wow. How much more excitement will I have to bear while trying to get over this scene? The scene comes to its intended climax when a Not BG intimates to McG that once the latter yessirs to the Hesse-cum-Korea strategic op, if he messes up, he will cease to be. “Not even an acknowledgement of your service,” Not BG observes. That I call encouragement.

Cut: Big boy BFFs playing big time on a big plane. Banter, jokes, laughs, Alex genuinely cracks up, killer smile lines have a guest appearance, and I seriously love this scene. As much as Blondie Daddy O loves his daughter-to-be-born-of-a-woman-whom-he-just-married. Cause he wanted to do the right thing. That’s commendable, Blondie, but aren’t you a few months late for that? Just sayin. Tho this scene was inserted to clarica the background of Blondie’s Kelly-tat and to endear him to the audience, it works perfectly well. Credit, Show.

Killer smile lines are killering me.

Back to the coffin with the wrong corpse. McG and Cath go quickly through some clarica drill cause we love this agenda so much, right? Dun dun dun duuunnn! The couple has a cute dance off during which I’m REusing some of my tissues. Angry woodland camo McPants lose sh!t and announce their craving for some suicidal personal vindictive a$$mashing in NKorea with the overarching cause of getting his boy home, while big eyed blue camo CatPants really take control over the situation (which is what us, smart women, do) and shoot McG’s “absolutely-nooo”-line to pieces with “I’m-not-asking-your-permission”-line.

I yell “Cat(h) FTW!” at my screen to give my koala neighbours more cause to complain while the screen is cut to the BG mounted on a horse in Montana and being phone-harassed by McG for s.xing favours, which he duly grants. Of course. I’d absolutely do the same. I can’t focus on this scene cause McG is calling from a jeep which lacks windshield wipers and the windshield is far too filthy to pass for a scooter. Can’t see Daaat Faaace. Nor Cat’s Not Daaat Faaace.

The awkward moment when the windshield ought to but can’t be a scooter.

Off to Korea as we non-Koreans imagine it: brutal, unhygienic and hot. In this very order cause: 1) A snake has just been decapitated and squeezed in a fresh-made drink. 2) The never-cleaned bar counter on which the snake was poured screams HEPATITIS in all caps. 3) This poison is supposed to be aphrodisiacal. ::: For the record: “Alex O’Loughlin” and “aphrodisiacal” are therewith banned from existing as separate words in the same universe cause they are crystal clear identical to any person with eyes. ::: McG gives a call to his wife team, which is gathered around Ess aka the Majik Table to get themselves smuggled on this epi in a totally natural and unobtrusive manner. Dun dun dun duuunnn. Kono, tho, drops a subtle reminder that the last time McG-Spot had things to do in Korea, he ended up we know how. In Woah Fat’s bunkerhole fantasy. Shivers are duly sent down my spine.

My poor old spine chills out as McRoll chat in said bar to a tangerine owner of 2.10 and while this guy-whose-name-I-didn’t-catch-and-will-henceforth-call-him-Geri-as-in-tanGERIne is oversharing on his s.x life as we FUCUPS do all the time, McRoll giggle adorably and so do my panties. The latter not so adorably, tho. The tangerine will not star on this epi cause it’s dead. RIP. Eaten by birds, if I understand it correctly. It’s hard to focus when cartoon music is blasting from my laptop (Hello neighbours!), me and my panties keep on giggling hysterically and my fingers keep on fingering the screen unwittingly to touch Steve’s smile lines while Geri is taking McRoll to the tangerine’s gravesite to commemorate.

McFrown. That’s all.

Having wiped my greasy fingerprints off my screen, I can see now in very clear colours McRoll and Geri rolling in a car along an old smugglers path. McRoll are being fitted out with assorted arms, Geri flips a few words of encouragement, like “if you mess up, you’re dead” (Again, Show?), and the cutie couple crosses the Korea-Korea border. Cut to a couple of seals parachuting into a jungle on the accompaniment of dramatic music that disconcerts me. For the wrong reason, I guess, for I hope the Blondie seal doesn’t die while jungle diving cause that would be really anticlimactic. AND I’M ALL FOR CLIMAX!! Even multiple climax, if McG provides.

Smooth Dog and Daddy Dog land smoothly tho and proceed to eyes.x the terrain. Cut to blue CatPants and green McPants in exactly the same position. I mean no foxhole fantasy here, just them surveying the jungle. BTW, an excellent scene transition. I shiver with anticipation and my hand instinctively grabs my ❤ as McG spots a familiar face in the shrubs. It turns out to be Not McG’s b@stard killer and cause I’m bad with names, I’ll call him Barchis, which is shorthand for Blondie’s Arch Nemesis. McRoll are carnappering Barchis and while McG shouts his obligatory “put your hands on the wheel”, I can’t help being turned on by the tone. S.x Boot Camp McG Styles, nuffin said. Except line forms to the right >>>.

Why do his eyes look so piercing green and so touching wet? (< Also, is this sentence even English?)

For the record: McG doesn’t attempt to drive. Instead, McG interrogates Barchis while his eyes turn deep green, start flashing and appear wet. As they sometimes do simultaneously with my panties. ::: Tissue count: 3+ and counting. ::: McG-Spot’s “do-you-remember-me”-line severely stabs me right in my <3, which is more than I can fkn tolerate and I must turn myself off now and crouch in a corner with the rest of the homemade slivovitz I have not consumed yet and lick my wounds. McG-Spot, come comfort me. Or anyone. (Anyone?) T B Cntd here.


16 thoughts on “H50h 3.20 Non-sardonic Recap (Mostly): Cause It Shredded My <3 to Pieces [Part 1]

  1. I like your post, it’s light-hearted, as the TV-Show itself (ok, 3.20 was a bit overdone but I can live with that perfectly well! Steve’s sniffing in the end, OMG)!
    You’re so right, WHY.IS.THAT.MAN.SO QUICKLY.IN.PUTTING.HIS.PANTS.ON? Seriously, it’s a crime, I guess not even PAULA, can sift out a clear shot 😉 ! And when he runs and hits his buddy-friend, OMG so frkn hot, I surely would take one of these punches just to get a touch of him, so frkn sexy HE IS! And the rain, don’t you think it was less raining on McG than on his buddy-friend? Buddy-friend had drops all over his face and hair, and McG, stood behind the rain? Just a few wetness here and there!
    Are you coming up with a part2? Alex really did an outstanding performance, so many great faces, so much to love! Thanks marnov 😆


    1. ^ Light-hearted? ^ Glad you think so! Seemed to me more messy than funny. Just done recapping part 2, but it’s over emo, for obvious reasons. Will be posting tonight, hopefully.

      I also like Show fun and easy, but I like character story, too, so finally this epi, 3.20, is my favourite…


  2. Didn´t have time to read this last night but now remembered to come here again, and I love your recap! Done in sardonic spirit so well. Great job marnov! Love it 🙂
    Buttercup, I did notice that Steve/Alex was apparently sheltered from the rain mysteriously. Not a drop hit his face LOL also as a side note, when he crawled out of the camera, you see him turning sideways just as he reaches the end of shot, or what he thought was the end 😉
    I found it funny that Alex seemed to push his chest out in the sand scene more than anyone else, he nearly stooped backwards LOL
    Ps I loved that we got to see the wet clinging clothes, they gave us some nice views 😉


    1. Paula, mostly: thx so much for liking this! I just reread what I wrote and discovered it’s just an exercise in plagiarising the original Sardonic genius. Anyway. Also thx for drawing my attention to the rain mulfunction – I didn’t notice, so obvi I’ll need to check back for research purposes. And thx for mentioning the beach scene when the seals stand to attention – I know it’s meant to be seeerious but they all look rather funny, puffed up like they are! OK. When I’m done with my Part 2 tonight, I’m coming over to your much better because much more visually stimulating blog, CU 🙂


      1. just tweeted this, so fun to read and done in positive spirit. I don´t mind the sardonic plagiarism, if I could do it I totally would 😉


          1. I was surprised you didn´t make any for your post, but then not everyone shares my love for the “instant videos”. but I think you need to consider keeping the file size moderate. You should do both, funny writing and gifs and you have a winning concept in your hands (in my humble opinion 🙂 )


          2. Thx for the technical tips – and in general, thx for giving me consistent feedback, it helps! Re gifs: yes, I haven’t yet figured out the balance between quality x size, but trying. In fact, I don’t have this epi downloaded, that’s why there are no gifs and the screencaps are just random catches from vid stream. You’d be LOLing seeing me catching those via printscreen 🙂 Me a cavewoman pretending to be using technology.


          3. I love your funny written post, like Paula, I would if I could, too! But I can’t so I leave it up to you! I have just fun being part of the we-love-and-adore-AOL-work! I’m so taken in by his beautiful looks and I’m glad for sharing those thoughts with you all, it makes me think I’m not that much crazy after all!
            I’m looking forward to part2!


          4. ^ “Crazy?” ^ Whaaat? I have no knowledge of this rumour and I trust it’s obvious that we’re all PERFECTLY NORMAL here. Full stop.


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