Facts first – out of respect for victims and families. When a kid goes missing in the US, Amber Alert is called. The name honours the 9y-old Amber Hagerman, kidnapped and murdered in 1996. When a kid goes missing in Hawaii, it’s a Maile Amber Alert. In honour of the 6y-old Maile Gilbert, kidnapped and murdered in 1985. The name Maile reads as Minor Abducted in Life-Threatening Emergency.
Night Hawaii and night life Hawaii are being showcased. Teenage minors who think they are grown-ups are having some group fun on the dance floor to have some more private couple fun later off floor. Since this is a procedural show, one or more of them is sure to be taught a lesson soon. Cut to a she-teenager with a heap of medusa-like curly hair all over her head. I want the hair. She’s sitting in her Hello-Kitty-slash-Barbie-slash-Backstreet-Boys room, singing to herself not half as badly as most people who are not singers (and many who are singers) really sing. She pulls out her Red Book diary and I suspect this might be a flashback epi showing the killered and crash-landed agent of 2.08 and her Red Book as a young woman.
Furniture moving is heard and Medusa ineffectively conceals her diary in a drawer and stands up to walk but arghhh, she can’t, she is ankle-cuffed! This takes me totally by surprise coz Medusa didn’t look traumatised atall. But I’m neither Freud nor Lacan, so I wouldn’t tell. A teddy bear crash-lands on the floor and a little pretty straight-haired Not Medusa is shoved in afterwards. Medusa performs a series of faces too seeerious to be allowed on a young person and she gives her lil fellow hugsies. They pattycake and Medusa gives Not Medusa promises she can’t keep. Suchas that she’ll be ok, which she won’t, coz she’ll die anyway, sooner or later, coz that’s what happens to mortals.
Show credits roll while me and my panties are having a lovers’ fight. Me is saddened by the opening scene and startled by its interruption by the unfittingly gleeful theme song, while my panties start hopping around happily in an equally unsuitable anticipation. The anticipation involves McG’s coming and my subsequent coming and many happy returns of happy endings coming. Y’know. Raising my head tentatively from the gutter, I see there’s a beach and a mock sumo fight on it. Kamekona, aka Big K, sits on top of what looks like a tennis umpire but in fact must be a very robust steel structure soas to carry Big K’s weight burden of responsibility.
AAAAHHH!! THE HAIR!!! McG!!! AND AND AND THE HAIR!!! A series of things might or might not have just happened off screen. Suchas me and my panties finding a consensus and freaking out in unison, maybe a wet panty situation, possibly even me launching myself at my screen right after my panties soas to become one with McG and make the world right again. But I’m a fiction writer, so you wouldn’t tell. On screen, an obligatory opening convo about THE HAIR happens, McDanno exchange predictable lines. Cat says something unexpectedly witty about McG’s pretending THE HAIR is a deliberate intention rather than a shaving accident or whatever. She’s beautiful and I want her. I mean, I want her red top.
Time for the guest appearance of Clarissa Chun, the first Hawaiian Olympic medallist in wrestling, and she’s a little lively lady with much stamina and I like her. No relation whatsoever to the fact that she shared a bunch of BTS pics with H50hs from the set earlier. While she’s being put in Big K’s pyjamas for the night, I mean the fight, ChinChin buys junk shrimps at Big K’s junk shrimp truck and eyes Kono like she is speeding or what. Kono is arriving driving and I want her. I mean, I want her red car. ChinChin tells Kono that she’s upset, she tells him she knows better, and they dance off to the sumo ring where they settle the fight in a fist fight. Nooo, j/k!!
For reals, Kono has herself interrogated and overshares that she’s worried about Adam, who either dumped her or was kidnappered. Kono looks weird in close-ups, maybe it’s coz she’s a Cylon after all. Kono thinks that besides himself, Adam is hiding something else from her, on which ChinChin asks: “What would that be?” And I ask: “How would she know when he’s hiding it?” and threaten to strip ChinChin. I mean, to strip ChinChin off his smartie-of-the-show badge. Kono is having a bad hair day and ChinChin is having a bad brain day, for he goes on to say what translates as: “I told you so,” but before I go: “Arghhh,” he adds: “But what the h3ll, he saved your life, so give him a chance.” A nice touch, Show. Like.
In the sumo ring cameo Clarissa is jumping in all directions like she’s attached to a spring or like she overdosed stimulants, and finally she launches herself at Big K’s clone’s back and wins. Big K and his clone are devastated. Kono attempts to devastate McG with a silly hair remark, and ChinChin knows no better than to join in. Which is disappointing, but he has a point, the wise bro that he is, for he states that the hair might or might NOT grow back. I pull a sad smile, for my NotMcG lost the top region of his hair in an ageing accident and now he considers converting to Judaism so that he could wear the Jewish skullcap and conceal his loss. And mine. I’m staring at the screen in silent reverence, chanting: “I LOVE THE HAIR I LOVE THE HAIR I LOVE THE HAIR…” Did I mention I LOVE THE HAIR?
OMcG’s cell summons team to a shallow grave, where Medusa rests, wearing cool corpse make-up. I’m trying to take this scene easy, coz I know the actress shall raise from the dead once the filming is done, but it’s depressive. Danno squats at the body and I wonder if he’s about to declare a wake over the dead and start passing around whisky. While he’s thinking, I’m thinking that his shirt colour coordinates with his eyes and his eyelashes are interestingly whitish to transparent and he’s having a good hair day and I’m loving him. Wait. When the h3ll did this happen? I mean, me becoming a Danno girl? Ooohhh, okay, OMcG just eyes.xed the camera lens and the world is back to normal.
Anyway, what’s wrong with the lightning this epi that everyone looks sooo unrealistically beautiful? Or is it the HD-quality vid streaming? Either way, my panties seriously suffer from prolonged pain. BTW, I LOVE OMcG’S HAIR. McDanno are strolling through the HQ’s corridor and Alex O’Loughlin appears tired coz he doesn’t bother to open his mouth properly when speaking. Hence, sheer necessity has it that I must stare right in his face, ignoring everything else, soas to read his meaning from his expressions. Bless God and his parents for his vividly expressive faaace. Here’s what I read: Medusa’s ankle shows she’s been restrained for yrs. Majic Table’s post-modern operations show she’s got a name and got lost 10 yrs ago. Ma(r)x’s post-mortem operations show she has not been sexually abused. Everyone’s faaaces show they’re confuzzled.
Medusa’s parents are brought to say hello and bye to their killered kid, and I’m coping with moving scenes by trying and failing to describe them light-heartedly. Also, I applaud Show coz Medusa’s mom is crying. Eureka! Show finally stumbled upon a natural human reaction to someone close being killered dead dead dead. Congrats. Mom scores again by asking: “How is that possible?” Very much what I’m wondering, too. Dad spits something about useless coppers retells patiently the story of the worst day in his life for the umpteenth time and the moral is: always keep your eye on your kid. And on your wallet. I’m kidding. OMcG uselessly says: “Could have happened to anyone,” and dad scores, making it 3:0 for the Medusa Family: “But it happened to us!” Nice. I love you, Show.
Kono and ChinChin call each other to tell each other they got nothing. They must have a plenty of free calling minutes, tho. Kono learned a lesson in the last epi from Savannah the Stalker’s Show and now she enters stealthily what looks like a royal palace but is apparently Adam’s house. She calls what translates to: “Honey, are you home?” in the exact tone that I’ll use when I bring OMcG with the beautiful buzz cut to my own humble hut. I’ll call to my NotOMcG what translates to: “Dear, if you’re here, fck off now.” Wearing the fugliest shoes ITWWW as per uge, Kono ransacks Adam’s table and finds nothing.
Adam’s house is experiencing heavy traffic during his absence coz Kono is found by a couple of what Show thinks typical criminals look like: black outfits, silver chains, gelled hair. Guns are pulled out (not the right kind of guns, so not interesting), put back and Kono *ehm* accidentally *ehm* learns that Adam might or might not left her for a Santos or whatever. Argh, that was awkward. And, I thereby declare Santos or whatchamacallhim Sartoris in honour of William Faulkner’s novel, whom and which I don’t even like.
McDanno, gathered around the Majik Table, make an attempt at brainstorming and got nothing. At least that’s my impression. But I’m not watching for the plot, so I couldn’t tell. I want to run my hands all over OMcG’s beautiful HAIR. To start with. And leave my impression all over all his other bodily parts. Seriously, what’s wrong with OMcG tonite? Why is he such a handsome devil multiplied by infinity? And what about his HAIR? Oh, I now distinctly recall I was recapping here something. What was it? Ah, this: THE HAIR, I mean, a hair was found on Medusa’s body, which isn’t surprising, considering her Medusa head. But the hair belongs to a girl kidnappered a day before and called Ella Bishop. I suspect this might be a flashback epi showing Elizabeth Bishop the poet as a young girl. Since Ella is little, I shall henceforth shorten her to El.
El’s parents are filming a Maile Amber Alert vid and El Mom can hardly speak for tears. Me and my panties are having another lovers’ argument coz me is sorry for El Mom and El Dad but my panties spot McDanno’s good hair in the background. In turn, McDanno spot in the background a FOY-long chain of scooters carrying a whole gang of Z Z Tops on their tops. I’m translating: there emerges a row of strong motorbikes on the horizon, each driven by an ungroomed man. Believe it or not, OMcG looks intimidated. And trust me that I just won over my panties coz the leading biker is Mr Tip Gilbert, father to Maile Gilbert, and I cry a little as real life and Show meet, Danno claricas Maile facts and Tip Gilbert, appearing cameo as Tip Gilbert, offers manpower and assistance. The scene is serene and it’s a nice touch for Tip to say he knows the HPDs are doing their best. Nicely done, Show.
McDanno confront El’s parents with the/a hair evidence. They learn and achieve nothing, except totally freaking El Mom out when they link their live daughter to someone else’s dead daughter. Also, Danno makes a promise he can’t keep, coz like I say, the girl sures will die, sooner or later, coz that’s what happens to humans. The follow-up scene is a silent cargument, McDanno eyes.x each other, and Good-Hair-Day Danno speaks up to recall Gracie’s kidnappering and explain himself. I dunno why, but I’m buying it. Paying in cash, thank you. Don’t blame me. I kinda love the little man with the large, uhm, hair. These two scenes hurt a lot. Discovery #1: I’m emotionally too invested in this show. Discovery #2: OMcG’s face keeps on punching me in my panties and I keep on cringing like I’m having ticks. Imagine how difficult it is for me to type coherently anything.
Plot-related discovery: ChinChin calls McDanno basically to tell them he got nothing. He must have free calling minutes galore for reals. Oh, yeah, he does actually mention that Oahu is being strip-searched for a white van whose tire tracks were found at Medusa’s grave site. To upgrade a party of useless coppers into a gang of scary knight riders, Danno summons Tip’s motorbike crew. Within 10 secs, Tip has a hit on the van, an all-Hawaiian pursuit ensues, and I suspect I’m watching Alarm for Cobra 11: The Motorway Police. OMcG has on either a v cool or a v tired face, too composed for a person who is make-believe driving in the wrong direction on a busy highway, and I’m frightened to death and I suspect I’m watching A Nightmare on Elm Street coz my personal driving nightmare is on.
The white van just hit the guardrail and I screamed aloud. My driving nightmare reached its climax. I hear stairs squeaking and I’m scared. I wonder WTF stairs are doing on a highway. In RL, I also wonder how long it will take for the local motorway police to discover I can’t really drive and to revoke my driving licence
, which I sometimes think I must have won in a lottery. On screen the van driver, whom I’ll call Vandal coz he vandalised the guardrail, took a dashboard to the face and is now staggering out of the van. Off screen I just solved the mystery of the squeaking stairs coz it’s my NotOMcG ascending them, apparently erroneously thinking he can come home whenever he pleases and interrupt me while McPerving. I don’t love him much for it. I must stop now if I’m to avoid divorce any time soon. TBC here. P.S.: I LOVE OMcG’s HAIR and this be my last words.