Read Part 1 of the recap here. And now, hear: McDanno caught a red herring and are sure to interview him to no avail before letting him off the hook. OMcG performs his little cute dance on the spot while waving his gun in Herring’s face and shouting very S.x-Boot-Camp-McG-Stylishly at him to surrender. You don’t want to know what ^^ THIS ^^ does to my panties. Danno rushes to ransack the van and discover no kidnappered kid in there while wearing a Worried-Father Face. You don’t want to know what ^^ THIS ^^ does to my <3. And maybe to my as yet deliberately unused ovaries.
Herring has been dragged and dropped in the Blue Room, which is really a Blue Bunker coz it’s an underground nuclear shelter, as ChinChin showed in the previous epi. OMcG hovers over Herring while reading out from a piece of paper what’s probably not Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland. But I don’t speak McMumblish, so I wouldn’t know. OMcG is using his I’m-Exhausted-but-Not-Letting-On Voice and he badly needs to be kidnappered and put in bed. I volunteer. Sleep first. NotSleep first. Oh, I just realised OMcG is reading aloud a list of Herring’s top five criminal achievements.
OMcG proposes to Herring. That is, proposes adding kid kidnappering and killering in Herring’s CV. OMcG should really try to use Old World BBC English if I’m to watch this as a talkie and not a silent black and white blue and blue movie. On learning the charges, Herring produces a genuine Alice-in-Wonderland face, coz he knows about El’s whereabouts about asmuch as I do. Danno speaks under his breath and acts calm, which signals that he’s about to explode. And wheee, he just turned swiftly and kicked Herring in his chest, and as Herring in his chair falls backwards and hits the floor hard, all the feeling parts of me are doing inner somersaults. Herring is flipping around in shock and helpless, the fish that he is, and this scene is making me sad and sick.
Unsurprisingly, Herring doesn’t spill what he doesn’t know. It hurts me literally coz my closeted Danno Girl keeps on banging me from within to be let out and my undercover McGirl just banged her head something fierce when trying to drive her face into the screen and right on OMcG’s mouth. Possibly aiming elsewhere. But I’m not identical with my fictional persona, so I wouldn’t know. Danno makes a field trip to another part of the coconut-infested island to see his Monkey. She is doing fine and apparently aspires to be my country’s cheerleader coz she’s doing somersaults wearing a costume in the colours of my national tricolour. Danno and Monkey pattycake. Me the kid hater might or might have not just cried a single several unexpected tears of approval.
ChinChin buzzes at the Blue Bunker’s steel door to summon OMcG with the beautiful buzz cut to the corridor. As per uge, this is the awkward moment when I stop watching and start staring. *stares* After more attempts of rewinding the scene and avoiding contact with daaat faaace that hurts my lady parts, as the saying goes, I gather this: Herring is a herring coz he’s got an alibi. And a load of poor luck, coz he’ll remain in custody for burglary, which is the alibi he has. I choke a little as there’s a cut to little El leafing through her predecessor’s diary. Medusa last wrote: “I just love this song.” Except without the full stop. You know why. Furniture is being moved and El crawls under the bed. A plate of cookies and a glass of milk are put on the floor. WTF, is her jailor confusing her with a dog?
Show inserts a woman in bikini here. Some random remarks: 1) Michelle Borth can’t surf coz Cat Rollins is not shown surfing; 2) Wardrobe had one of its rare sober moments when they put Cat in sensible sport bikini instead of the miniature mess of lace they normally use; 3) Either Cat is freezing in her bikini or Kono is sweating in her leather jacket. I commiserate with both. Kono asks Cat for a favour and Cat asks Kono if Steve sent her to do his dirty job, and I do need to get my mind out of the gutter. Kono induces Cat to abuse government equipment to give her intel on Sartoris, which is a common Yoknapatawpha County name. I’m translating from Faulkner Speak: it’s a Santos or something, a Japanese Yakuza name. Cat says ok but she’ll tell her OMcG if he asks coz she doesn’t want to fall out of s.xing favours with him. Thank you for Cat’s line, Show. Kono rogers that and predicts OMcG won’t ask coz his mouth will be busy doing something else.
ChinChin has been horsing around with the Majik Table and got nothing. Kono clearly doesn’t care about falling out of favour with him coz when asked, she unconvincingly convinces ChinChin that Adam got in touch and the world is right again. On traffic cameras, unsuspecting ChinChin spots a blue car going the same way six times within 20 minutes, which he claims is inconsistent with anyone being just lost. I strongly disagree. ChinChin has evidently not yet met me and my car, which is accidentally blue, too. The suspicious car is driven by a suspicious she-cop, who isn’t a cop, hence the H50hs invite themselves in her home for tea and talk. Dear H50hs, in case you haven’t noticed: I am suspicious, I have a blue car and I invite you in my home. You’re welcome.
P.S.: Our other family car, well, a company car really, is red. This is relevant coz the fake she-cop sprayed the blue car red to cover her tracks. As is apparently a Hawaiian habit, only criminals lock their door, soas to provide McAnimal and McPervs with the pleasure of opening a door McG Styles, whereas good people leave their door unlocked so that their friends and not friends could come in at will. After forcing the door, OMcG dances in lead of team across a room spread with teddy bears to another room with the suspect spread on the floor with a bullet in her head. Not a great choice of covering your tracks. The stains will never wash off the curtain, mind you. Sorry, my hygiene issues.
ChinChin discovers evidence of El’s presence in the car trunk and I utter a sad sigh coz if I continue watching this show any longer, I’ll start genuinely believing that kids ought to travel in trunks instead of safety seats. Kono discovers a well-stocked wardrobe in the house and checks what she could use from it calls the team to check what they could deduce from it. BTW, Kono is still wearing her prairie outfit and I wonder if this is a shout out to Agent Jenna Kaye, aka Special K, the Prairie Girl supreme, RIP. The perp’s wardrobe contains a set of uniforms of respectable professions, like useless coppers, naughty nuns and nurses. Under the weight of evidence, team is forced to clarica that the fresh suicide trafficked people for profit. Duly deduced. OMcG has the worst clarica line as per uge and when he says Medusa and El were trafficked to the same person, I nearly choke on my keyboard. I want want want to shut his mouth with my mouth.
A guy walks in a bar A woman walks in El’s barred room, carrying toast. She looks and acts nothing like an abductor, except her inexplicable urge to feeed the litttle girl, so I shall call her Feeder. She approaches El surprisingly sensitively, but she plays a game of saying the opposite of what she means. Like that El’s parents are in heaven, tho they’re in h3ll right now; or like that El is home, tho she’s in a fast-spoiling-food-infested h3llhole right now. Feeder gives the impression of a frustrated in vitro candidate or a rejected adoption applicant. Cut to a cruel-looking man watching the news on Malie Amber Alert on TV and being clearly concerned, and even more clearly for the wrong reason.
OMcG and Kono are strolling in a fast pace round and round the HQ’s corridors and making me dizzy. Try as I might, I don’t get a word of what OMcG is murmuring. It doesn’t bother me excessively, tho, for I’m happy just to have him walking, standing, sitting, lying, perhaps preferably the second and the fourth of these positions combined. Sorry, where was I? Here: Kono excuses herself coz Cat calls her to say hello. Also to say she’s mailing her a courtesy package of government intel on Sartoris, who’s a Big Kahuna of the Yakuza Family, except there’s a different word to call it in Japanese but I didn’t catch what. Kono and Cat are both a bit upset to find surveillance pics of Sartoris and Adam pattycaking together, on which Cat suggests that Kono might wish to consider removing her boss’s pants informing her boss about the mess so that he could put on his thigh holsters and make the world a better place again. Got any idea what I’m talking about? Coz I don’t.
Let’s try anew: ChinChin tortures the Majik Table soas to make it spit out the solution of the case. Which is this: El was just entered in the system under an assumed name, which is not an assumed name really but the family name of the Feeders. The Feeders need a minor soas to collect social security benefits, which is why they disposed of Medusa when she was to turn from a minor into a major. I’m seriously appalled. Is this the motive? WTF? And WTF is very much the Feeders’ response when the H50hs kick out their door and storm in their house. She-Feeder acts surprised so authentically that I wonder if she actually suffers from memory loss. He-Feeder acts so arrogant that I totes approve of Danno grounding him violently. OMcG discovers the secret room behind furniture but no El in there no more.
I feel it in my ovaries that another chest-and-chair-kicking situation might be impending. Danno interrogates He-Feeder in a whispering and choking voice and I fear he’ll either burst into sobs or into rage. Feeder acts so offensively dumb that both Danno and me are now breathing heavily and running out of patience. Which would have been good in another context. Neither Danno nor me are getting the motive of the abduction, on which Feeder says he needs the child support money coz he can’t work coz he’s disabled, and I freak out and nearly punch my laptop in the screen. Danno, get ’im now!! Danno probably can’t hear me cheering coz there’s a cut to OMcG interrogating She-Feeder in what’s very much a bedroom voice and I’m dialling Chicago Fire coz my panties just set themselves on fire on impulse, and if this is to continue any longer I might very well cremate myself prematurely.
Logging in back after what might or might have not been some time spent in ice cold bath in rational reasoning, I’m giving the scene one more try to report this: OMcG continues doing the thing with his voice and coz he’s a multitasker, he starts playing with his nekkid trigger finger while pressing She-Feeder to spill El’s whereabouts. He appeals to She-Feeder’s apparent affection for the abducted girls, warning her to speak or else El will end up like Medusa. This confuses She-Feeder and oooh, what follows is OMcG’s first ever appropriate use of an autopsy photo! Yes, Show, congrats, it really is so very much better to show gory pics of vics to perps rather than relatives. She-Feeder is horrified and she is an excellent actress, as I suspected from the start. OMcG makes her speak, except she doesn’t know where El is now, which brings us back to Danno.
He-Feeder mocks Danno, saying what translates to: “Hehe, I know but won’t tell,” on which Danno FINALLY loses nerve and starts punching He-Feeder violently in his disability to the accompaniment of my vehement cheering. He-Feeder stupidly argues that they can’t do what they’re doing coz they’re cops, and it’s clear that He-Feeder missed the Show Pilot when he doesn’t know that they’re the new kind of cops, the useful ones, you know. OMcG strips the consenting Danno off his badge, there’s a brief eyes.xing of everyone concerned, and OMcG walks out to the accompaniment of Danno’s boxing, He-Feeder’s grunting and my cringing in a confusion of emotions, coz I identify too much with the characters and the scene is making me physically sick again.
Cut to a search party in wilderness. NotDusty dogs prove useless, but Danno got a marker, which is a red jacket, presumably El’s, tho I don’t remember her wearing it. Well whatever, I’m willing to buy it, Show, but please do go on now or I’ll implode as a result of emotion and suspense overdose. Kono spots a stick poking out of ground and everyone sprints to it like mad and starts digging with bare hands while shouting El’s name. Me, no matter the infidel that I am, is praying for El to be alive, tho I can’t see how a hastily buried person could possibly be. Some shovels are produced and universal hysteria continues and ooohhh, there’s some kind of a box under the soil and it’s being opened and it’s El squatting in there!! Squeee!! Danno pulls her out and maybe there’s more going on, but I can’t see for tears and I think I have just experienced a minor stroke.
Except the next thing I see is OMcG eyes.xing the camera lens with eyes that appear brownish in the lightning and I’m sure I have just experienced a major stroke. El is being taken care of by paramedics and her parents are being brought to the scene to get all over their restored daughter and hug her to crush her. The H50hs minus Danno are standing aside and it appears that Show is at loss as to what to do with them now. May you be forgiven, Show, for OMcG performs his side smile and I refuse to comment on this, considering my current ❤ condition. Medusa’s voice is heard reading out of her diary, on which her parents are shown actually reading it, while Danno minus the H50hs is standing aside and pulling a sweet-sad face and I refuse to comment on this, and credits roll, and I’m off to deal with my feeelings. Signed off: Marnov (in absentia) & the heap of ashes that were her panties.