H50h 3.23 Hysterical Recap: Coz I Can’t Do Otherwise [Part1]

*Frequent panties details and occasional plot details spoiler alert.*

The setting is what looks like the Hawaiian-aka-Korean Demilitarised Zone of the flashback epi. Show has returned to the landscape of wire fences and NO-ENTRY-Refer-to-Your-Nearest-Human-Trafficker signs, except it’s a middle of the night now. A bunch of people is running along, one of them wearing a jacket with a large print on the back for us to read. I can’t read it coz I’m night-blind, FYI. The other joggers are wearing hoods, which means they’re baddies. Duly deduced. The Unhooded Guy (henceforth UHG) screams in a phone what might be anything ranging from “Houston, we have a problem” to “Honey, I’m coming home”. I have troubles understanding spoken English, not to mention shouted English. The UHG failed to mind his steps and fell in a large hole in the ground. It’s funny coz the hole looks like a grave. OMG, it’s not funny, it is his grave-to-be! The UHG grunts and growls and crawls coz he broke his leg. Two hooded baddies return, tower over the hole, pull out guns and both start firing multiple shots. This I call a cruel and unusual overkill. Ugh ugh.

It’s not like I don’t expect a crime in under the first minute of a procedural, but the UHG’s death moved me unduly. Something should be done about Show’s opening credits, too, coz: 1) it’s so bright that it’s killering my eyes, 2) it’s so cheerful that it’s desecrating the killered UHG. Who shall be remembered 4evah forgotten right now coz staple shots of Hawaiian scenery are on (while I’m lowering my screen contrast to protect my iBalls) and some surely famous singer whom I never heard of is celebrating the blue ocean. I’m thinking of McG’s blue swimming shorts (free association, y’know) and nearly breaking my fingers as I keep them crossed for some introductory plot-centred shirtless / shortsless / clothesless scene with Alex O’Loughlin.  (< Here, Google Search, choke on this phrase!) Instead, there goes a looong gliiiding shot of female bikinied bottoms and I urgently want to kidnapper the male cameraperson and replace him by a woman. Also, I’ve just written an entire paragraph solely about the opening credits, so I ask: 1) WTF? 2) Will I even get down to the recap?

I ❤ you Danno.

Let’s see: Glitter balloons, a big bunch of flowers and a box of chocolates are waiting at the Aloha Airport. Oh, there’s also Danno hidden somewhere behind all this and there’s also Danno-Loves-You-Monkey standing next to him and being already nearly as tall as him. Big Monkey eyes Little Danno inexplicably, but Danno swiftly deduces that Monkey thinks women love a man who comes to pick them at the airport empty-handed rather than overloaded. Well, little chimp, think twice. Danno critically calls himself a goofball and promptly proves it by starting to distribute his goodies to random arrivals. I’m nearly dying at the irony of Danno smiling professionally and Aloha-ing and Welcome-to-Hawaii-ing passers-by and I love his acting. I do. Relieved, he puts his hands in his pockets and I want to jump into his arms. Which is a stupid idea, considering his said pocketed hands. Gabby the b!tch isn’t coming coz she prefers dead people to live people and she prolonged her stay in Morocco. WTF? She didn’t let Danno know earlier coz she didn’t know how. WTFxBL2I&B??

Monkey says to Danno that she’s sorry about silly Gabby, and it’s moderately cute, except Teilor Grubbs is not being much of an actress. But I sympathise with her apparent present discomfort, for I surely would freak out if I were 12 and were put in an artificially sweetened pink doll dress for 3yr olds or younger. I start thinking about fashion police for this epi. Danno gets a call and it’s work and it’s like Wow, NEW! for it’s not McG but Danno this time to get the heads up. Cut to some more takes of Hawaiian scenery and, oh yeah, to McDanno walking hand-in-hand on a sun-lit lawn in the direction of the corpse. Except the hand-in-hand part. They’re having a big-boy-BFFITWWW’s convo to inform us that Gabby stayed at the other end of the world coz she got a fellowship and that Danno is unpleasantly surprised. To put it mildly. Everyone goes WTF?, except me, for as a fellow academic I sympathise and would sign divorce papers on the spot in exchange for a nice fellowship. J/k. Kinda.

Yeah, the FOY does weigh in at whale, but it’s not polite to point.

McG with the beautiful buzz cut (I still LOVE THE HAIR, BTW) arrives at the hole in the ground and I pray this be the way he walks in my bedroom to enact the foxhole fantasy. Where was I? Ah, the corpse in the hole. I pray Marx doesn’t clarica that the cause of the corpse becoming a corpse were multiple gunshot wounds. A close guess: ChinChin claricas that this is a guarded TRESPASSERS-WILL-BE-PROSECUTED-archaeological site, except as we saw, these trespassers got the guard executed. Kono arrives and says Blahblah, and fashion police it is, for she’s wearing this: Snow-White’s lost loose blouse, camo-cum-leopard-patterned leggings and knee-height wellingtons. I’m dead. Come bury me. (Except now I distinctly recall that this is the exact outfit my fashion-smart sis-in-law coached me into trying on the last time we went shopping coz she decided that I indeed dress appropriately for my age, but my age fifty years from now. I didn’t buy either the clothes or the insult, FYI.) Meanwhile on the screen, Marx emerges from the grave with a finger bone in his hand (one more extra, that is) and declares these grounds a body dump site.

Special copper crew turn the field into their sandbox and discover a heap of assorted bones and a pair of glasses. As a glasses-dependent night-blind and light-shy mole, the glasses discomfort me more than the bones. Cut to the green room, where McDanno date Marx, who is just telling them a story of such-and-such number of bones coming from such-and-such number of bodies laid on said field to rot RIP over the period of two decades. Marx is excited by the mere sight of the bones, whereas I’m seriously sexc!ted by the mere sight of McG. Wait. I just solved the mystery of my déjà vu feeling: WHY OH WHY IS MCG WEARING THE SAME SHIRT AS IN THE PREVIOUS EPI? WTF?! Like he didn’t have the time to change or what? *snorts* What’s the Wardrobe thinking? That we’re not looking? *more snorts* Harder than ever I want to tear the shirt off him to ease the strain on my eyes. To begin with. For now, I’m focusing on the unbuttoned shirt collars manifested on both McG and Danno and amuse myself by {{fingertwitch}}ing. You must take my word for it that nothing of importance was being communicated while I was thus distracted.

Doris, you have another man?

A smooth shift to the staple Majik Table team gathering and to smart ChinChin, who tickles said table to make it spill out the vics’ IDs. It is ascertained that what the bones have in common is that their original owners fell out of favour with the Yakuza. Me and ChinChin look curiously at Kono, and Kono looks sick. I sympathise, I’d surely be sick, too, if it were the 2010s and I were put in a white blouse AND A BLACK BRA like it’s the 1990s. Suddenly, Camo Cat walks in, looks distracted, and I have no biting comment concerning either her clothes or underclothes. Except that she should take it all off to encourage Steve to imitate her. Cat takes Steve. Cat takes Steve to his glass office and beats around the bush, the bushwoman that she is. I pray for Cat to tell her BF finally that she wants him. That she wants him to pull down the blinds. Clueless Steve asks Whatsup and I’m out of patience and scream at my screen: YOU-SILLY-STEVE-KISS-ME-CAT-QUICK-AND-MAKE-THE-WORLD-RIGHT-AGAIN!!

McG ignores my demands and Cat tells him that McMom committed the crime of using a public Wi-Fi spot. Using a public Wi-Fi spot for hacking a super secret FBI database or something. Danno watches the tête-à-tête disapprovingly and he has reasons. For McG proves immune to Cat’s fine looks and the lustful looks of the women of the world alike, fails to remove his pants and instead storms from the office out on the street, putting on a I-Have-Business-to-Take-Care-Of-Face. Danno pursues him speedily with a We’re-Not-Doing-the-Thing-Again-Face and this scene is so beautiful that I’m crying a little and smiling with pleasure at the same time. With much taste and sensitivity, we are shown that: 1) Danno cares for McG, 2) McG cares for Danno, 3) it’s a poor judgement to withhold important info from those you love under the pretext of protecting them. That much to the moral. Both McG and Danno are looking mighty fine and while the former is oversharing and the latter is wisely stroking his pompadour, I realise I’m developing a serious thing for unbuttoned collars. It comes to me complete with a {fingertwitch} tick.

No-no, that won’t do, mom.

McG is not shown driving, but betcha he was wearing his I’m-Driving-Fkn-Determined-at-a-15kmph-Pace-Face all the way. He arrives still pretty. Arrives still pretty determined at Doris’s house, which he surprisingly chooses to enter in the slow and polite way, by knocking the door. Doris is genuinely happy to see her offspring and honeys him, which hurts me a little. Dunno why. Guess I’m jealous. McHoney nearly walks over McMom’s no more so smiley face as she lets him in and he gets all over the place in a very agitated yet controlled manner. I want make-up s.x with him. And you can even lose control, honey. Anyone got any clue how my explicit fantasy relates to the recap? I got nothing. I can’t go on, so I go on: McSon advises McMom that she might wish to be more careful next time she chooses to hack some super secure government database. McMom says it’s not a big deal, on which my stomach makes a somersault and my panties run away real fast to curl up in a safe corner. WTF, McMom??

OK. McMom’s ridiculously light-hearted initial reaction conjured up McSon’s amazingly appropriate and impressively restrained response on both the verbal and the nonverbal level, but I can’t recap it coz it hurts me very much and I’m no masochist. After a pause now, my panties are still hiding in the corner, rocking to and fro and crying quietly. Thank you, Alex and Christine. Except the scene goes on as McMom tries to drag McSon out of the house, where she’s clearly hiding something. Someone. She’s literally dragging McG by his arm, like he’s a kid being naughty. Sorry, Doris, you’re 20yrs too late for that. But me and my panties, which just looked up with growing interest, like grappling scenes. Like a lot. Just sayin. McSon untangles himself with ease and storms off to search the house. I fear that he might stumble on McMom’s detective nekkid. Which he actually does, except the detective is, fortunately, dressed and finds himself in what looks like an active undercover op centre. Most people get themselves private pools or gyms, but the McGarretts are not most people. Obvi.

McMom has feeelings, too, y’all!

BTW, McG opens the door of the op room with such seriously s.xy resolution that my panties pronounce themselves cured and consider *coming* near the screen again. I pray this be the way McG handles the door of my bedroom, for the next logical step is that he removes his pants. I have already removed my panties. Just sayin. The McGs withdraw discreetly to the pleasant setting of a balcony and Doris explains herself, tho she still doesn’t seem to be getting the gravity of the situation. The deal is that Doris got a hit on the microfiche stolen from her and wants to steal it back, no matter what. The trouble is Doris got used too much to act on her own, and Steve wants back too much the mother he remembers when he was a kid. The mother who showed him magic tricks, the ultimate trick being her killering and resurrecting herself, of course. As per uge, coz this is today’s epi’s motif, Doris didn’t share the microfiche op with Steve so as to protect him. She enlisted her detective for help, and I thereby declare the detective to be an enabler. He shall be called so: Enabler. Do I need to mention that Alex and Christine kill the scene? I don’t think I do.

Kono walks in the HQ, on which Danno checks out her black bra, ChinChin checks out her weirdly coloured hair, and everyone exchanges looks. Kono is told to lie low while Danno and ChinChin will have tea for two with Kono’s BF’s bro Michael. Said relative was suspected but not charged due to a lack of convincing corpse evidence in two of the cases dug up by the COTW. Like, dug up literally, y’know. The tea will not be a tea after all but more a round in a boxing ring, which is where Michael is just beating the sh!t out of a poor stuntman. The former is adorned by evil-looking tats covering his entire arms, but either he doesn’t have a nice chest to show or Show has troubles showing chests, coz he’s wearing a wifebeater. Hey, Show, whatsup!? The bad bro is playing his role very convincingly and while he is punching a boxing bag and Danno is waving his corpse cell screensavers in his face and otherwise tries to attract his attention, I feel an urge to punch Michael in his tats. Or in his b@lls, for he asks ChinChin if he has more s.xy Kono clones for cousins and if so, may he get one, too? Danno prevents ChinChin from engaging in a c0ck-off and writes down the phone number of Michael’s lawyer. That much for tea with the Yakuza.

Back to McMom’s op room. There is Enabler and another man, whom I recognise but can’t identify by name, hence shall call him Enabler 2. There are some plot-centred explanations going on, but I’m too much tired and too little interested to listen. Coz: OhMcG is holding a folder against the FOY, which is weirdly exc!ting, except this is the worst shot ever, for there’s a scooter lamp standing in front of OhMcG and double covering the FOY. [^^ Check out the pic! ^^] At this point I want to launch myself first at the lamp and only then at OhMcG’s lap. A flashback to Doris and Enabler 1 and 2 doing a field research in the target building and getting themselves an access card. Yeah, now conjure up the James Bond theme tune and the picture will be complete. McG gets all heated up by the sloppy suicide mission proudly presented by McMom, pointing out basically that neither Enabler 1 nor Enabler 2 has been to a Seal School, which renders them incompetent, and I love him. McMom calls him basically a spoilsport, honeys him again, says they’re going in action tonight, and I may like her. You might wish to sleep on this shocking piece of news. I certainly do. TBC here.

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12 thoughts on “H50h 3.23 Hysterical Recap: Coz I Can’t Do Otherwise [Part1]

  1. I crying for laughing so hard and my NotMcG is looking at me and shaking his head.Christine and Alex are amazing in their performances.

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  2. “OhMcG is holding a folder against the FOY, which is weirdly exc!ting, except this is the worst shot ever, for there’s a scooter lamp standing in front of OhMcG and double covering the FOY.”
    I noticed ^^^this^^^ too. He’s shielding the FOY from the FUCUPs staring.

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    1. This was so good and so bad at the same time that it couldn’t go unnoticed. McG looked to me like a shy schoolboy covering his eyes and thinking that no one can see him – the ridiculousness of covering the FOY with a paper folder! *sneer*

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      1. At least the folder was useful in giving us some nice arm/and neck-vein-porn (2nd pic), you’ve gotta look on the bright side of life 😉 !

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  3. I can’t help but love Kono’s style, I know it’s freaked out, but I guess I’m a little bit freaked out myself (only a bit, jeez 😉 )! She’s rocking her scene’s too, how she knocked out those 2 Jakuzza’s was so much female-Bamfness!

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    1. Jeez, you mean you’re “a bit freaked out” yourself like that you go around ninja-ing baddies?! I love Kono, what I don’t love is the way they dress her, but what I love about it ultimately is that I can make fun out of it… So all’s good!

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      1. I love the way she dresses and I love the way you make fun out of it, and I love it that we have those funny conversations together without being too serious 😆 , so that’s how it should be, we’re cool!

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        1. I’m sure Kono dresses according to the latest fashion, which I totally don’t get anyway – so I can be either sad about it or laugh at it, which is the option I’ll always prefer 🙂 I’m happy to share the fun!

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  4. I’m surely wasn’t much of a McMom fan (’cause she’s not entirely honest with him, and I’m sick of that “I-want-to-protect-you-from-my-former-dangerous-spy-life” crap) but in this ep, she rocked (again that word, sorry!) She and Steve had many amazing scene’s and amazing they were! I loved every sec of it! But I guess in the finale, she’s hurting him AGAIN 😦 😦 😦 !
    Btw, I love this post, thanks, and I have a smile on my face today, because of it!

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    1. Yeah, I also wonder what the finale has in store for us in terms of McG + McMom, and I doubt that it will be anything pleasant – but then, we’re likely to get some strong emotional scenes, so let’s focus on the positive part 🙂 !! A shame about the summer hiatus, tho, it’s a looong wait…

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The FUCUPs that perv together stay together. Let’s!

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