*Alert: contains much random mess, little plot and no ending.*
Find Part 1 here. And now, what’s a better way to start the day than with some make-up s.xing? Think me, Kono and Adam, the two of which are performing hugsies on the screen and exchanging preliminary pleasantries. It can be roughly summed up like this. A: I missed ya… – K: Yeah, me too… – A: What about the s.xing? – K: Whatyaupta in Japan? On which Adam drops Kono like she’s hot. Kono explains and gives me a good giggle as she states that two Yakuza gentlemen paid a courtesy visit to Adam when he was out and that they were armed!! OMG, for reals? The non-Caucasians have a heart-to-heart convo in keeping with the moral Love-your-neighbour-and-overshare-with-your-dearest, while I worry about Adam’s lack of chest hair and wonder if I’m s.x obsessed or if it only looks it. Kono agrees to trust Adam provided that he entrusts her with all he knows about the Yakuza body drop spot in Oahu. Adam’s knowledge amounts to nothing, on which Kono demands that he look at her eye-to-eye and repeat it. Adam does so while holding Kono’s neck as if about to snap it, which is the ultimate trust test.
Apparently, the test went well, for Kono emerges from the house with an expression that I would describe if I knew a euphemism for a Well-Fcked-Face. Oops, Ijustsaidit. But nice things don’t laaast looong, so Kono’s cell rings, except it’s her other cell, and there’s an “outbound call” showing. What’s that, is it like a long-distance call? Kono doesn’t pick it, and we’ll never find out. Oh, and I’m as stupid as I always suspected. (Don’t tell my department, they don’t know yet.) Coz Kono’s cell is a clone of Adam’s cell and Kono eavesdrops to learn that Adam will be dating an enigmatic Grumpy Guy in 2 hrs from now. Kono is unduly disappointed and calls right away to who is since 3.21 known as Whatsafong to ask him for a favour. She speaks a non-Caucasian Canadian Cop dialect and I don’t understand a word. But I assume that Whatsafong produced for Kono the address of the warehouse where she’s arriving at now. She pulls into a parking lot next to a No-Parking-at-Any-Time sign and enters the building through a window with a No-Entry-Trespassers-Will-Be-Shot sign next to it. Ok, I’m fabricating a bit here.
But into the warehouse Kono crawls and heads straight to a collection of casks in the middle of it. She opens one with a knife and is alarmed to discover a present-day mummy conserved in it. I’m not impressed. This is an old trick and poorly executed on top of it, and a historical digression alert starts here: >>> Once upon a time in the early 1990s, there was an Eastern European country where there lived (besides Marnov) a bunch of entrepreneurial guys who formed a mob and started killering off another bunch of guys and dumping their bodies sealed in barrels filled with a caustic solution into a dam. What’s more, I think the dam was in a designated protected landscape area. True story. That I call a proper professional mob action. <<< End of digression. Meanwhile in the warehouse, two Hawaiian Japanese dialect speaking Yakuza yuppies approach, Kono whispers to her knife, You’re my backup, and hides herself somewhat ridiculously behind a see-through wire cage containing gas cylinders. I’m worried about her when a shoot-off ensues, but Kono is not blown up, instead, she is hit by a bullet in her belly after eliminating both baddies. Ughugh.
Kono’s face when she takes down the baddie and then sees that she herself was taken down is one of surprise and shock, very much like mine when I first saw the scene in the CBS spoiler ad. Now I’m sufficiently recovered to think the following random green thoughts in a green shade: >>> 1) Remember the Trespassers-Will-Be-Shot sign I conjured up? Y’see, it should have actually been there for Kono to read. 2) Why wear a white blouse? Y’know, so that the fake blood would contrast with it nicely. <<< Don’t worry, y’all, Kono will be fine!! This is exactly what ChinChin tells McG after car tyres are heard screeching and McG rushes to the scene. Kono is tucked in a stretcher and attended to, and McG acts with her like a parent whose kid was being extremely silly and extremely lucky to survive its own silliness. At the exact point when McG’s anger melts into relief, all he needs to say is, Kono, and all the ladies panties all over the world totally melt down in unison. I won’t even start on OhMcG’s smiling and touching Kono’s cheek as she is being carried into the ambulance. The fkn life ruiner that he is. Unfff.
Off struts OhMcG in the warehouse and claricas something which might even not be a clarica, but I will nevah evah know coz I’m transfixed by the FOY and stare unblinking at the screen. Guilty as charged. OMG. I mean, OhMcG and Danno check out the barrels, then check out Marx, then Marx says, Ay, that’s a whole lot of corpses, so let’s skip the pleasantries, shall we? and everyone is dismissed to pursue their respective business. OhMcG’s business is his mother, as Danno assures him, on which OhMcG eyes.xes Danno dreamily and says nothing. The Act-First-Ask-Later type of guy that he is, OhMcG reappears at Doris’s door and says what I mentally translate as, I’m in, and I’m done. Come turn me. Doris wouldn’t have him at first, except OhMcG won’t take No-no for an answer, lets himself in (again nearly walking over Doris and her displeased face) and there’s a seeerious busineeess convo. McSeal impolitely points out that he’s a somewhat better back-up than the two retirees and, I lost you once, mom, I won’t lose you again, and my panties make a somersault.
My panties will sure need their acrobatic skills, for dark night has come, brisk music has commenced and a helicopter hovers above the target tower. Did that sound scary? It had better! The helicopter contains one Enabler and two McGarretts, all of whom rope down on the roof, but the enabling retiree didn’t foresee that someone had to remain in the helicopter to steer it, so the abandoned helicopter crashes down and the rope acrobats drop with it. McG’s last words are, Doris, I told you so. Did that sound true? Sorry, I’m fabricating again. In fact, it’s only the McGarretts that climb down, and I cry Doris, your haaair!! but she can’t hear me for all the noise and wind. The other Enabler infiltrates the building, pitches camp in the telephone room and starts fiddling there with some wires. He has brought himself two cool laptops with Windows 8 and I shudder involuntarily. (Anyone else thinks Windows 8 is ugly? As are all new tech thingies that I’m not yet used to using.) The McNinjas in black jumpsuits proceed in a swift pace to the target area, which is floor umpteenth. Dunno which, didn’t do my homework, was busy FOY-spotting.
There’s an anticlimactic cut to Kono in a hospital bed feeding herself on some shrimps with magic powers. Besides Kamekona the magic shrimp man, there’s everyone else in the ward. Y’know, like ChinChin, Danno and Cat, too. Cat says nothing, ChinChin refuses to update Kono on the COTW and Danno says it’s time to go. Everyone is being sweet, see? Except Danno really is being cute, as happens to him on the rare occasions when he relaxes, and I pray pray pray that he smile more often. After they leave, the camera eye moves lazily in direction of a Flue-Alert sign on the wall and then Adam appears in front of the sign just when I started reading it. Adam says, Kono, in a tone which recalls my panties of the way OhMcG said it before, and it’s either that Adam has a very pleasant voice or that I have a thing for whispering male voices as I always suspected anyway.
Adam opens up to Kono to ease his conscience. He starts with blaming himself for Kono’s random injury, goes on with sharing his suspicions about his bad bro Michael’s involvement and ends up with confessing that he made inquiries about the COTW after she left, which is what he should have told her before she left. What? How is that even possible? I must have misheard. Also, if Adam’s conscience is burdened by the mere fact that he attempted to assist Kono in crime solving without telling her about it, I want his conscience. Kono is frightened to death by this piece of news and is about to overshare in return, but a nurse interferes and wheelchairs her away while Adam stays. Adam’s cell rings and Kono’s copy of Adam’s cell rings at the same time, which Adam finds interesting coz he’s a guy waiting in a hospital room and being bored. He is no more bored and not very amused either when he discovers that the same incoming number is showing on both cells. That much for trust. Also, a well written scene well performed by the actors. So thanks, y’all.
The McGarretts have climbed into a lift shaft and got stuck in there coz the guard is elsewhere than the enabling retirees expected him to be. BTW, as an old person I am allowed to joke about other old people. To pass time before they can ninja on, McMom makes what any of us would do in the situation: she pulls out her diamond credit card and suggests playing majik card tricks. She’s totally serious and I’m dying of laughter. McG pulls a series of faaaces, starting with sheer disbelief and ending up with playing along. It’s funny and it’s touching: McMom being ridiculous but doing so to catch up on the lost time, no matter what. OhMcG is amazed at the trick like a 3yr old and it’s cuteness unbearable. Back to mission impossible, the enabling retirees got it wrong again coz there’s a lift coming up the shaft. Doris is rationally concerned about her hair, to which the Enabler responds very calmly he knows they’re about to be smashed to pieces, and I giggle inappropriately. The Enabler hits a fire alarm and the McGarretts ninja out of the shaft into the hall in the last moment. Wow. But, but, could you pretty please try to ninja slower, I’m trying to screencap you and all I’m getting is a blur, thank you.
Ladies and the old and the cranky first, methinks, for McMom leads way, copying the contours of the walls, while McSon literally tries to become one with the walls as he sneaks after her. I giggle at his passion for the wall and I burst into laughter as Doris pulls out a spray and my busy brain throws up a series of random anticipations: >>> 1) Is she going to fix her hair with the spray? 2) Did they break in the super secure building so as to vandalise its corridors with graffiti? 3) Will OhMcG finally remove his pants and please me? <<< Guess what happens. None of the above. Doris sprays a security camera or a motion sensor or whatchamacallit, both McGs steal into a room with paintings on the walls, OhMcG removes one of them and lo, there’s a safe behind it! How boorish and conventional surprising! The safe opens when Doris sings it “Soft Kitty” plays a recording of the owner’s verified voice and the microfiche is in there. Some additional alarm, besides the fire alarm that is already on, is however activated and havoc ensues.
The Enabler with Windows 8 tries to navigate the McGs out of the building while the security men are closing in upon them. There’s a lot of running, panting and under-the-breath shouting. OhMcG ninjas down one guard on floor 13 and two more on floor 12, where he and Doris split. I’m seriously worried about the security cameras (are they recording?) and I don’t think I like Doris anymore. Also, I’m out of breath merely by watching that much physical activity on the screen. OhMcG runs and jumps onto the top of a lift going down, which is frightening, exciting and maybe sexc!ting. On second thought, the last one, sure. Doris is cornered by two armed guards and apparently, she doesn’t feel like jumping out of the window, so they got her. This is what Enabler sees on the security cameras and what he tells to OhMcG, who is squatting on the top of the lift that has come to a standstill and is looking like a big-eyed little creature lost in the universe on hearing what happened. I’d offer hughsies but I’m too scared even to type. BTW, I told you that Windows 8 sucks, see what it leads up to?
Enabler walks out, seeing that he and his operation system alike are useless, but OhMcG is not going anywhere coz: 1) it’s his one and only McMom and he won’t get another, 2) McSeals leave no man behind and no woman, either. Doris is brought to a Bald Blond Big Boss. Calling him BBBB would be admittedly awkward, so let’s shorten it to BB. Said BB knows Doris and said Doris knows BB, and so they exchange compliments concerning their decreasing amount of hair and deteriorating level of ninja skills. Communicating via Doris’s ear wire or whatchamacallit, BB suggests to OhMcG trading Doris for the microfiche. Suspension builds up on the screen and me, my panties and my laptop threaten to explode in unison with too much of it. BB, his hired muscles and his hostage are brought into a room where OhMcG is already waiting. Does the tension make him freeze like I do and that’s why he built a little fire in a dustbin? A serious c0ck-off ensues and I’m not a violent person but I’d like to punch BB in his bald spot. Or maybe I am a violent person. Rawwwr.
BB would have won, if OhMcG didn’t throw the microfiche in the fire and didn’t insist that everyone concerned has secrets to keep and so let’s make peace and let’s go home. Minus the peace part. I can’t explain what happened any better than that coz OhMcG started mumbling and I only catch each other word. Plus it’s plot, which I always find very distracting. J/k. The McGs retire in the lift and are ready to be picked up by the helicopter on the roof again, which amuses me. Fun fact #1: the McGarretts lack the capacity to use the door as it was meant to be used by humans. Fun fact #2: OhMcG learned his lesson, for in the lift he performs a majik trick and lo, produces the microfiche! The world is saved, but my panties are killered by the way OhMcG’s smiles at his smartness. And at his mother. The panty destroyer. Unfff. Now: I can very well throw away this whole recap, for try as I might, I can’t understand the climactic point made by Marx, who tells McDanno about a seeerious and important discovery about one bullet or another. I’m depressed by my failure and I think I’ll go treat myself a bullet, too. This is the end of my recap as I know it. Signed off: Marnov, sad and sorry.