Start with Part 1 here. Before continuing with the plot, let me establish that plot is a swear word here, like p/rn, and as such shall be henceforth discreetly blurred in spelling, so pl/t. Copy that? As to naughty pl/t practises, Adam earlier insisted that to legitimise his business, he must appear that he’s not legitimising it. To prove that the life of a Yakuza is one of poverty and obscurity, he takes Kono to another of his countless real estate properties. It’s a garage large enough to hold his private jet, which Adam calls a supply depot for his mobster henchmen for his team. The non-Caucasians search for evidence of Kono’s innocence; Adam finds a hatchet (a close guess, but the guy in question was shot, you silly!) and Kono finds bloodied gloves. There’s noise, on which Kono hides and Adam *looks around innocently*. Michael enters, still wearing the p/rn moustache that makes his face look almost as mutilated as Woahfat’s, and asks: “WTF?” Adam says coolly: “I need a piece (of meat?)” and Michael opens what looks like a fridge to take out a piece of gun. The male non-Caucasians start what looks like a hostile c/ck-off but is surely in fact an affectionate brotherly bonding, for I take it that the Yakuza advertises tough love. Hurt your kids a lot so that they can learn and grow, y’know.
H50h is a place of miracles, so Kono in her fugly boots, undisturbed and unharmed, joins Adam in the car in under 3 seconds and reports that Michael was rummaging around, looking for something and finding nothing, which is no way surprising, considering the mess that there was. It’s not like I know anything about cluttered conditions really. *cough* Whatsafong is shown sadly eyes/xing the ocean and growing even more depressed on seeing Kono arriving in Adam’s company. It’s not like I have a private Whatsafong-cum-Kono foxhole fantasy. Kono asks Whatsafong for a favour, I scream at the screen: “WTF (WhaTsaFong), you lucky b/stard!!” and WTF’s eyes glitter momentarily and then die a little, actually a lot, as Kono wants him to analyse a DNA sample from the gloves instead of her own DNA sample to be retrieved personally by WTF. *sigh* Whatsafong suppresses his severe disappointment, says he’s honoured to serve but looks like he could use some, actually a lot, of my Prozac. It’s not like I have any prescription antidepressant drugs in the house.
McG aka Honey finds himself in the Blue Bunker and I decide that he manifests multiple symptoms of exhaustion, including incomprehensible mumbling, ridiculous eyelashes fluttering, Danno-ish arms waving and pointless finger pointing. The perp also appears exhausted, for he smiles hysterically all the time exactly like I do even when not exhausted. The perp is Woahfat aka Tweed Twin’s BFF – his custom tailored tweed suit and Rolex give him away – and Honey apologises for not asking him for a dance. For not asking him for a dance-off due to the lack of time. Honey calls the perp names and declares that he knows him to provide for fellow perps new names and fake IDs, means and immunity and such stuff. The perp is clearly not watching H50h, for he babbles nonsense about his non-existent rights, on which Honey sets alarm on his NotRolex and gives the perp one minute to cooperate or he’ll be free to go but Honey will spread the news that he’s been cooperating , which will turn him and his family into a dead man, a dead woman and dead children. Did he just do that again? Honey, you’ll need to give me something, such as doing me a favour, I mean a s/xing favour, repeatedly, if I’m to approve of these actions of yours. Also, one minute later the perp cooperates. Surprise!
Back to swear words and pl/t p/rn. Honey emerges from the underground bunker, still wearing the incredibly ill-fitted pants that make him look like a walking crime against humanity, and I think the next time he sees Woahfat he’d better ask him for contact details of his personal tailor. Honey shares with Danno the info he got from the perp recommended by Woahfat, and Danno is somewhat, actually a lot, sceptical but cooperative. Doris walks in, Honey gives her a death stare, issues orders: “My office. Now,” and my panties make it into said office about a quadrillion times faster than Doris does. It’s not like my panties are hypersensitive to the slightest suggestion of S/x Boot Camp McG Styles activities. Honey clearly wants to have this epi over quickly, for he skips foreplay and starts yelling at Doris, plus he advises her she shouldn’t even think of appealing to his feeeeeelings coz he couldn’t care less. I’m no Doris but it hurts me. Hear, Honey? Doris invents some impromptu sh/t about why she went to look Woahfat in the eye (literally in the eye, coz he currently only has one eye, y’know) and I’m sad and mad and yell at the screen: “You-Doris-Who-F/cks-Around, tell Steve who Woahfat is to him!! Now!!” Danno interrupts the convo and if I had no self-control, I would have yelled: “F/ck off, Danno!! Not now!!” But it’s not like I’m an insane individual who negotiates with the screen.
Doris wipes off tears, Steve wipes off sweat, and I notice how thin and sick Christine Lahti looks, very much like my own mother, whom I guess I should call and ask her about the possibility of me also having a Woahfat sibling while at it. The H50hs and the HPDs unite in a car chase and Steve uses Cat as an interactive tom-tom, who/which guides all the copper cars of Oahu so as to capture the one wanted black jeep driven by the terrorist escapee known here as RAF. That I call a cruel and unusual overcapture. I hear someone saying: “Danno, what’s that with you, how can you claim that RAF Junior is not in the jeep unless you check the trunk? Remember Fun Fact #1 about the placement of kidnappered kids and Konos? Huh?” Then I discover it’s myself negotiating with the screen again. Steve speaks Latin American, or else Mumblenglish, but Danno distinctly inquires about the whereabouts of the kid. On receiving no answer by the obviously perplexed perp, Danno recalls his master move of 3.22 and kicks RAF in his chest. I scream real loud in shock and clutch my flat breast. Anyone seen my nerves? Justaskin. RAF complains that his kid was kidnappered by someone else, on which Steve flutters his eyelashes real confuzzled.
Instead of coming to steal his seedling, RAF really came to protect him. If I spent several hours researching, bing-ing and replaying, I assume I would ultimately find out who exactly took RAF Junior, but ignorance is strength. The CIA big kahuna is on the video phone line again and assures us that kidnappering is consistent with everything blahblahblah and that it doesn’t matter sooo much if RAF Junior dies, for America needs RAF Senior to extract from him info on the upcoming terrorist attack blahblahblah. It’s not like it doesn’t make sense. *ducks to avoid shoes thrown by kid lovers* Danno thinks otherwise and terminates the connection coz he’s allergic to schmucks and continuing the CIA call would put him under the risk of anaphylactic shock. McDanno play Yelly Cop (Steve) and Whispery Cop (Danno) with RAF, who explains that whoever took his kiddo is willing to exchange the boy’s life for his life, since this is the way they operate. Eye for eye, life for life, y’know. The Blue Bunker must have some majik vibes, for McDanno and RAF strike a deal in under 3 seconds. McDanno will see to the exchange of lives and then RAF tells them what exactly the target is. After he is dead? I must be missing something. For now, RAF says the target is in San Francisco, and when going there, be sure to wear some flowers in your hair.
It seems there’s a mob in front of the building that desires to lynch the mobster, but Seal Steve puts on his determined face, smuggles RAF out and steals an innocent civilian’s car to use for the high stakes operation. Did he just do that? This is ridiculous. Violence perpetrated on private property seeeriously and non-sardonically upsets me coz I have no private property to spare. This is Eastern Europe and there are poverty rates, mind you. Where was I? Kono receives a call and warns Adam that it’s Whatsafong, hoping that Adam will take the hint and allow them some privacy. He doesn’t. The DNA results came back and confirm that Michael is the killer, which makes Kono indecently joyful coz she probably forgot that Michael is Adam’s family. Before hanging up, Kono makes herself to tell Whatsafong something vital, like “I love you,” but instead she anticlimactically says: “You’re a good friend,” and I boooooo with disappointment. Whatsafong probably hears some noise, while all I can hear is some real creepy music. Speak of the devil and he doth appear in the form of Michael, who swaggers in the lab, checks out the gloves and pulls out a knife. I cringe and scream all caps: “NOOO!! MICHAEL, DON’T!! FONG, RUN!!” and either the screen or me or both have a blackout.
A jeep is making its way through a sugar cane /cotton / corn field (you tell me which) and RAF knows that he is at the right place when an armed androgynous person stops him. The person with the gun has a shock of curly hair, dark brown with several blond strands – it this chemistry or nature? And why would I care about his/her hair? More armed persons arrive, produce the kidnappered kid and make preparations to shoot RAF Senior first and RAF Junior second. Fun Fact #2: Terrorists tend to be LLWL. Surprise! Team H50h jumps out of the cane / cotton / corn bushes and the air grows heavy with bullets. Old RAF shields young RAF with his own body and takes a bullet for him, which is exactly what I’d do for either of my cats, twice for my cute cat and once for my grumpy cat, coz she’s grumpy and wouldn’t appreciate it. RAF Senior lies flat on his back to die peacefully, but Steve is all over him, concerned for the wrong reasons, and yelling at him: “Don’t die, not before you tell me what the target is!!” I consider it highly impolite. Steve clearly believes that besides having unlimited power over my panties, he has power over other people’s lives and deaths, for he instructs the doctors in the hospital that RAF mustn’t die. Which he does, but fortuitously, not before he discloses the target.
A doorbell rings at Adam’s residence and there’s no one outside. But inside there appears Michael, who holds a gun at Kono’s head and announces to Adam that he’s overtaking the business. Michael is displeased by Adam’s alliance with Kono and is out of patience with protecting the weakling of his brother and the family investments. This is a break-up, Michael says, and gets ready to killer Kono off and leave Adam on his own. Don’t tell me that Adam is not being serious with Kono, for he jumps at Michael and they struggle for the gun until a shot goes out. I’m frightened and don’t know whom I’d prefer to see shot. I think no one. Well, it’s Michael, who collapses on a white carpet and I scream at the screen: “Nooo!!” for the wrong reasons. *clears throat* I wonder who does the washing for H50hs and how they make the stains go away. Michael makes large eyes and dies, Adam makes a constipated face and cries, Kono awkwardly attempts to comfort Adam and I inappropriately mourn the demise of the white carpet. Someone switches on the TV with breaking news, and I scream and run coz news freak me out, which is why I meticulously avoid them. The TV announces that a terrorist attack was averted and Steve saved the world and the kid, who is reunited with his mom. *sniff*
A doorbell rings at Adam’s residence and there’s Chinchin outside. He might have come to help clean the mess, but actually he can resurrect neither Michael nor the carpet, so his purpose here is a mystery to me. Adam kneels at his brother’s body, holding his hand, and it’s all sorts of moving. See, the two did love each other, that’s what tough love means. But it’s Adam who has to move now, unless he explicitly desires to become a corpse soon and have Kono hold his hand for a change. All the actors gather at a port for a big good bye. Doris, who has 20yrs of experience in this field after all, has arranged for Adam to disappear discreetly. Kono, whose name and honour have just been cleared, appreciates that Adam saved her non-existent a$$ to the extent that she spontaneously says she’s disappearing with him. No one except Chinchin approves, and I approve of Chinchin acknowledging Adam in this way and accepting Kono’s choice. Everyone hugs everyone else and it’s a crowd. Everyone promises everyone else to be continued and it’s a mess. I refuse to promise anything, I wouldn’t be so presumptuous. Also, I can’t help myself not being moved by sentimental scenes shamelessly calculated to strike the emotional note. Which is a means of subverting the dominant discourse. Wait. This is not my academic paper? Sorry. *lost*
Kono-less Chinchin, who can’t handle more than one woman around him at one time, recalls there was once one Leilani with whom he served time a year or so ago, who hardly recalls Chinchin when he calls her but agrees to try him for a second date. I say, yay!! Clueless Danno, who ought to get himself a security system and lock his door properly, finds a set of suitcases in his house and Gabby my fellow academic with them. Danno keeps an unreadable face for a while and then bursts into a smile so genuine that it makes me the cynic supreme burst into an uncontrollable stream of tears. Did you see the sincere smile? And can you see now why we, grumpy people, also need some love? Justsayin. Danno has no flower lei for his lady, but by the way they’re bear hugging, he’s sure to give her a way better notflower lei instead tonite. I yell, yay!! Steve really wants to get this epi over, for he literally jogs through the corridor of the nuclear shelter where Woahfat is detained to meet him again. Woahfat promises Steve all the answers he and we want, but first Steve must protect Woahfat from those who are now breaking in not to release Woahfat but to butcher him. Shooting is heard, the steel plated door is being welded open, Woahfat crawls into the shades of the cell and Steve eyes/xes me through the screen while I scream: “Nooo!!” If I had control issues, I would have screamed also: “F U CBS,” but I can neither confirm nor deny this. Finis.