The following are excerpts from Sardonic Maha, slightly edited and accompanied by visuals. Find the full original text here, courtesy of Prettteee Maha the FUCUP Queen.
The guard says they can’t threaten him like that, and McGarrett points at his badge to indicate that that means he has full means and immunity. Oh, honey, I think you need to point a little bit further down.
The 5-0s get to the hotel room too late and find the 1 million dollar winner in a pool of her own blood. Her boyfriend is nowhere to be found and so McGarrett tries to make out with her and when that doesn’t work, he plays with her boobs. I am moving to Hawaii to be an extra on this show. True story.
I note that ambulances in Hawaii are not air conditioned because McGarrett looks as though he just stepped out of a sauna or went for a very long and hard s€xing session. Either way, I really should have become an ambulance driver.
Naturally, McGarrett places a call to the USS Enterprise in the Persian Gulf which, don’t lie, is exactly what any sane person would do. A brunette’s iPhone lights up with a very geeky photo of McGarrett; without saying hello, McRomeo asks “Cath” to access an “icon reconnaissance satellite” to track The Cheater [Craig]. I had to Google that $hit because I’m that stupid.
I pause and send a text message to my former SAS boy asking him if he would do the same for me. His response is: ‘Anything for you, honey pot;’ I volley: ‘You are full of sh.t. Thank you. xxo;’ and he ends with: ‘What’re you wearing?’ See… I told you; SAS boys trump NAVY Seals.
McNerd tracks! Apart from the possibility that his peen weighs in at whale, that he flies helicopters, kills two birds with one stone, keeps his sister hostage, and wears combat boots in the sweltering heat, he also speaks bird. And that, ladies and gents, is McNerd’s online dating profile. You are welcome.
I am watching the scene when Dana tells Craig that had he just told her who he really was, she would have loved him still. Oh Jesus, Dana, really? Because in case no one told you, there are plenty of non-murdering non-thieving old fashioned as.holes who would kill to date you, sweetheart.
As McNerd wheels her back to her room, she says she knows that he’s judging her and asks why he hasn’t yet removed his pants. She tells him that everybody deserves a little forgiveness, and McNerd’s nostrils flare. Though I agree with the spirit of Dana’s sentiment, I personally draw the line at murderers and thieves; my mum just yelled: “That’s why you’re still single.”