Enjoy the best-of picks from brilliant Maha’s sardonic recap of H50h 1.06, here slightly edited for reasons of brevity. Find the full original text here.
Maha: In the middle of the ocean, on her surfboard next to an old man, Kono is rocking a yellow bikini. The old man tells her he’s precisely where he wants to be; on a surfboard, without drinkable water and food, potentially aiming for sunstroke.
Me: Yes, exactly, and let’s not forget the sharks. Jawwwsss, arghhh!!
Maha: Ian (the old man) tells Kono it’s time for him to give the audience a great show. As such, audience expects McG to pull up on another surfboard in a shirt, but not wearing his pants. Our dreams are shattered when instead, Ian decides to ride a wave. . .
Me: Thank you. For imprinting on my mind the image of pantsless McG surfing. With the FOY flaring for miiiles behind him.
Maha: McG comes out with his Fountain of Youth and says: “My God, I am a handsome devil,” until Scott Caan yells for him that it’s not yet his scene.
Me: Whatever. He IS a handsome devil indeed.
Maha: As she [Kono] walks away, the male 5-0s are looking discombobulated and scared because they don’t know what to do with their man bits in the face of such female emotion. Chin cracks a beer and turns on the telly, Danno tries to give McG a wedgie, and McG yells and rips his shirt open; they are feeling all male again and the world is as it should be.
Me: I beg to differ. The world won’t be as it should be until McG rips his shirt AND HIS PANTS open and yells: “Come to me, Marnov, my baby!”
Maha: Kavika struggles to stand up because he is wearing the world’s largest piece of man-jewellery since Tutankhamen drag-queened his a$$ all over Pharaonic Egypt; McG struggles to stand up because we previously established that his pen!s weighs in at whale; Danno yells: “My cane is longer.”
Me: Ha!! So Danno’s cane is actually compensating for his lack of the Fountain of Youth? Educational…
Maha: Finally standing, they [Kavika and McG] are able to have a dance-off and McG wins. Kavika promises to bring Diego and Levi to McG and where moments ago they were ready to rip the other one to bits, they shake hands and paint each other’s toenails. Men, you are creatures worthy of zoo.
Me: Here’s to zoo creatures and male creatures! Which are apparently interchangeable. *raises glass*