*** Warning: I’m politically incorrect, poke loving fun at TV and don’t really mention the plot. ***
On my h@wt seat and with a pile of spare panties at hand, I’m ready to have my pants scorched by H50h S4’s premiere as the last person in the WWW (whole wide world of the world-wide web). Sorry for the delay, but I’m from the backward backwoods of Eastern Europe, which is a perfect excuse.
First a repetition of what happened: the Noncaucasians had a bit of a family feud, which killed the wrong brother (I insist that Kono should’ve had secret s€xing sessions with Mafia Michael and his tatts instead of dating Suit Adam, cause it would’ve been more fun); Doris is a cheating cheat who cheats on Steve with her other son and brings the latter cupcakes and nail files to prison; and whoa, everyone someone wants to wipe Whoafat’s poor sad face from the face of the earth. Also, Whatsafong got shot but everyone forgot all about him (like they forgot Kono in the jungle in 2.10, them prankster writers, lol).
Now, Men in Black break in the Guantanamo where Whoafat is held to massacre the as yet unmassacred half of his face and to eat his cupcakes. Their coming is announced by machine gun fireworks and also by a hole in lieu of a door that is welded open where there was a two-and-half-mile thick steel wall before. Almost as thick as the FOY. Hilariously, the real FOY owner hides behind a pillar, on which enter Men in Black, dancing and shooting around like madmen. It’s now clear that Show shops for bullets with large wholesale sellers. I’m mightily amused as SEAL Steve disposes of all the three or four invaders, using one as a live (and then dead) shield and making the dumba$$es shoot one another. As the threat is eliminated, Whoafat’s eyes grow wet and sad-puppy-ish.
Cut to what looks like the Titanic after a hundred years and in the middle of nowhere. On the board, Kono, apparently depressed, stares at nothing. Enters Adam and tries to cheer her up by suggesting playing Rose & Jack by stretching out their hands and yelling: “I caaan flyyy!!” When this doesn’t work, Adam encourages Kono by pointing out that if she had second thoughts, it’s too bad unless she’s a really good swimmer. On this stupid remark, Kono assures Adam that she’ll love him till death doth them part (cause Grace Park is rumoured pregnant and as such can’t handle her hormones and feeeeeels). Though Ian Anthony Dale is not rumoured preggy, he gets emo all over about having put his bro down. C’mon, Adam, don’t be a drama queen, you’re not the first one: think of Cain, the first guy who ever had a brother and he slayed him, so brothers are clearly made to be unmade. It’s logics.
In the Hawaiian Guantanamo, McBeast grabs a half-dead Man in Black to drag & drop him in the corridor littered with SWAT corpses and used-up gun cartridges. It’s beautifully decadent and pretty cool, though I don’t think the guy being dragged thinks so too, unless he has little wheels implanted in his back. Cause this is Guantanamo, McBeast takes the zombie for interrogation and not to the hospital. Zombie, dripping blood, is put in a chair right on top of a drain conveniently located in the torture chamber interrogation room. But before I can get sick from my stomach, enter Danno carrying a piece of cloth for wiping the blood, which turns out to be a McShirt AND MCBEAST STARTS CHANGING HIS SHIRT ON CAMERA!! OH.MY.G@WD. I wanna bite in those McAbs though I know fine I’d break my teeth on that sixpack of steel. I just had a momentary blackout and I must change my panties.
It looks like an open door day in the H50h HQ, for a line of people is being checked one by one and being let in. A group of what looks like plumbers and one pizza delivery woman, displeased that they’re not being frisked by Alex O’Loughlin but by a slightly significantly less attractive dude, pull out their guns and take the building hostage. I can totally relate to their disappointment, even though I don’t condone of hostage-holders. All cops and cops-to-be in Oahu are summoned to the HQ, the latter probably to watch and learn, which is what they do when a safe on wheels with the inscription SWAT arrives. A close-up on the SWAT vehicle, from which emerges the impressive bulk of Chi McBride. Chi McBride is a giant and I shall henceforth call him Chiant for short. This being my first encounter with Chiant, I’m taken aback by his deep and hoarse voice, which I find wildly stimulating and must change my panties again. Heh.
Enters Marx (not Karl Marx but doc Max Bergman, whom I affectionately call Marx) and inquires if anyone is wounded. Wot, wot?? I believed our Marx was a pathologist and hence as yet live people were of no professional interest to him. To increase my confusion, enters Big K (my term of endearment for Kamekona), all eager to storm the building. To do wot?? Say hello?? He is prevented to do so by a Hawaiian cop-in-the-making, half of Big K’s size and still huge, and the two start pushing their bellies against each other to see who wins. That’s huge men’s alternative of a c0ck-off. The copper-to-be wins on account of his b@lls immunity and means being bigger; no innuendo intended.
Cat(herine) wearing a leotard is shown jogging on an empty beach and I’d really hate to be Michelle Borth when they were shooting this cause I’d surely die of exhaustion and exposure. A creepy guy in camo stops her and if I were Cat, I’d now SERIOUSLY start running and screaming MURDER. Cat however remains composed and receives the intel from the creep that there’s a SITUATION in the H50h HQ, which is the best euphemism for mayhem & massacre ever. Cat jumps in someone’s car (it can’t be hers cause it’s boyish blue and exactly the type of fast wheels boys with little foys drive to compensate for their SHORTcomings) and speeds in direction of the HQ. The ridiculous vehicle breaks down and Cat inspects its insides under the hood, even crawling under the car for a purpose which escapes me. When lo, another car pulls to the roadside and Cat watches it intently. Is it friend or foe? I’ll tell ya in Part Two here.