Find Part One of the recap here. The mayhem-makers in the H50h headquarters make sure the building is clear, which it is, except for McDanno with Zombie in the cellar and Chinchin in the bathroom. McDanno try and fail to extract info from Zombie, though they manage to extract buckets of blood from him. Eek. Chinchin saves the situation by saying that the murdering murderers who came to murder Whoafat are the same on whom Whoafat informed SEAL Steve in exchange for free minutes in the sunbed. Steve dumbs it down for dumb TV viewers that said murderers are unhappy with the bargain and seek revenge on Whoafat’s now perfect suntan. The murderess dressed like a pizza person storms in the central office, tickles the majik table AND STARTS SHOOTING AT ITS FACE!! NOOO!! ESS!! ARE YOU OK, ESS?? But ESS doesn’t look OK and I’m crying over its spilled glass shreds. The demise of ESS p!sses off even Chinchin’s poker face, who lures one of the terrorising terrorists who terrorise the building back in the office, jumps at his head (literally) and hugs him to death.
Some of the remaining avengers storm the cellar to find it empty cause McDanno with Zombie are now hiding in a closet. Doc Andy locates a first aid kit and when he opens it, it looks like it’s full of condom packets. Which it obvi isn’t, it’s just that my vision and imagination got momentarily blurred. Doc Andy is about to dress Zombie in bandages, which is the proper dress code for walking dead, when he hears creepy noise and in creeps Danno. Steve explains to Danno that this was a silly practical joke, for he’s a Shoot-First-Think-Later kind of guy. Danno explains to Steve that he’d better mind his Zombie, for if Zombie dies again, they’ll lose their leverage. Steve starts massaging Zombie’s chest but he doesn’t mouth-to-mouth him. Wot? Did Zombie’s heart stop but his breathing didn’t?? Danno squats next to the corpse and thinks aloud that his Gabby ALMOST makes him happy, which is so unlike him, and I scream with laughter and fist bump Danno via my laptop screen. Zombie coughs, opens his blood-shot eyes and miraculously revives.
Outside, Chiant decides it’s taking too long AND STARTS CASUALLY UNDRESSING ON THE CAMERA!! DOWN.TO.HIS.UNDIES!! HE.ADJUSTS.HIS.JUNK and strolls in direction of the building entrance, while I slide down in my new, fortuitously well-upholstered chair, flailing my arms and legs and laughing to crying. Wearing but his socks, undies and shirt, Chiant arrives at the door and says in his bedroom voice: “Knock, knock!” and knocks. The door is opened by a grumpy creepy guy, who is Desmond from Lost, apparently still so lost as he was while on Lost. Chiant offers Desmond china (not China), Desmond politely refuses and Chiant returns behind the police barricades. Right now I’m choking on my laptop and I don’t think I’ll EVER stop laughing. Desmond doesn’t think it laughable and when he realises his gang is being killed off one by one by the hidden H50hs, he suggests in his walkie-talkie that the H50hs give up now or he starts doing the hostages in one by one.
Danno wails that maybe he should’ve told Gabby “I heart you!” instead of “Sit and stay!” or the like when leaving her on a couch in his condo, but he’s indecisive, unhappy and New-Jersey-sick. Steve formulates a deep thought that what is done can’t be undone. McDanno exchange wet-eyed looks, hold each other’s hands and come out of the closet (haha), dragging Zombie with them. Desmond, to prove he’s still so nuts as he was while on Lost, shoots a random woman hostage in her leg and grabs a random man hostage as the next to introduce a balance between the sexes. When lo, the lift door tinkles open and out crawl McDanno with Zombie wedged between them. I make myself comfy in my well-stuffed chair as I watch Steve sinking down on his knees as ordered, which I find weirdly s€xciting and must reach for a pair of fresh panties. Steve yells at Chinchin to play with and give up, which he accordingly does. Desmond whispers to Zombie that he’ll be fine and shoots him dead. He’s apparently even more sick than he was while on Lost.
Once Zombie is put to his ultimate death, the entire plumber crew drops their weapons and surrenders, much to everyone’s confuzzlement. Steve uses the FOY to steer them out of the building and the crowd of FOYeurs gathered outside cheers his feat. Chiant scratches his hard hat and asks: “What the h€ll is that?” Steve counters: “Oh, it’s nothing, we still got ten minutes of Show to go.” After Desmond & assistant assassins are packed off in the SWAT safe on wheels, Steve receives a phone call suggesting that he liberate Desmond’s merry bunch now or else Cat will have an unspecified nasty experience. McRomeo gets extremely agitated, shoves Danno in the Camaro and SEAL-stares his way through heavy traffic, for the first time looking like he’s REALLY driving faster than half the speed limit. Danno thinks aloud that maybe he should pick his phone and say “Bye-bye, Monkey!” for the last time. Steve solemnly declares he’s getting Cat back with his full means and immunity and Danno complies. Steve lovingly pats Danno’s pompadour and Danno grumpily hisses in Steve’s face (exactly like my cat when she’s not in the mood).
McMadman blocks the SWAT safe on wheels with the Camaro and suggests that everyone get out or else. . . Something. To prove that he means it, he shoots a random cloud in the sky in its leg. Chiant gets out, gets kicked in his leg (while I loudly disapprove) and sprawls on his belly (while I noisily approve though I would have him lie flat on his back so that I could check how I’d look on top of him). Just sayin. McMadman releases the remaining plumbers and the pizza woman and when his cell rings, he thunders in it: “WHERE’S MY CAT??” (Thanks for asking, my cat is sleeping in a flower pot.) And Cat(herine) will be surely in a car trunk? But Cat is actually lost in the jungle, where McDanno arrive and yell like h€ll: “CATHEEERINEEE!!” Cat emerges from the shrubs and McRomeo bear-hugs her to the accompaniment of Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On” and some bone cracking. Danno discreetly withdraws under the pretext of admiring the shrubs: “Is that the blahblah-flower? I thought they were extinct.” I splutter partially chewed sweet almonds all over my screen and roll down from my chair on the hard floor in convulsive laughter.
Bandaging my head that I banged on a non-upholstered part of my chair, I watch Chinchin’s poker face chasing Desmond’s gang in the Camaro but not letting on that he’s chasing anyone. When BANG, the gang gets out of the car AND STARTS SHOOTING AT IT!! The b@stards turn the Camaro into a sieve (and I think of my countryman Lukas Novy, check out why here) and then they burn it to death (and I think of Joan of Arc). By the side of the smoking Camaro (literally), the team threesome plus Cat are assaulted by SWAT plus the rightfully enraged Chiant. Steve explains that they had a plan but doesn’t mention if Chinchin hunting the Camaro was the plan. Steve and Chiant have a SERIOUS c0ck-off and my panties are about to play Joan of Arc and set themselves on fire. I’m not sure who won cause I got a bit lost in fantasy here, but suddenly there’s a shoot-out during which several quadrillion-packs of bullets are used up. Cat approaches the gang’s replacement car, duly turned by the team into another sieve, and states that everyone’s dead (and I wonder how she knows).
Steve has disappeared, stretching his mile-long legs while racing after the last escaping suspect. I love these legs in motion. There’s some serious kicking and fluttering, for the suspect jumps in a helicopter and Steve grabs its skid and ends up hanging in the air. I think at this moment Alex O’Loughlin forgot he got several kids and a lady to take care for. A beautiful man. . . I mean: a beautiful man-on-man fight in the air ensues, during which defeated enemies are dropping from the helicopter on the stadium turf and the pilot’s blood and brains smear the cabin windshield, thus presenting an obvious safety risk. Before I decide if this makes me feel sick or not, Alex pushes the dead pilot aside, climbs to the pilot’s seat and grabs the cyclic stick (hehe). The constipated faces he makes while pretending he’s crash-landing the helicopter make me laugh so hard that I can’t breathe and I think I might have been brain-dead for the entire duration of this scene. And guess what, Steve saves the world and the day.
BUT!! The world’s most stunning a$$ is shown wiggling as its owner is strutting in direction of a heavily guarded large plane. One of the plane guardians takes the liberty to inform the commander that he’s got five minutes to do whatever he’s got to do in the plane. Steve contends he’ll need two minutes (is he going to take a military shower with Whoafat?). Cause the plane, whose sheer size could be employed to move a whole nation, contains only one thing, a small cage holding Whoafat, lavishly placed in the middle of the cargo area. I’m puzzled by this waste of space, but I don’t actually care about the expenses of the American Army, sorry, I mean: Navy. As per uge, Steve wants Whoafat’s answers and as per uge, Whoafat evades answering. McBeast gets genuinely upset and curls up in the corner to cry strikes Whoafat right in his nose. Admittedly, Whoafat’s badly marked face looks neither the worse nor the better for it. Whoafat screams: “Whoa?!” and McBeast collects his blood sample. Back in the car, he gives it to Marx to compare the DNA with McBeast’s own. But again, I thought Marx was a pathologist and also: WHEN THE H€LL WILL SOMEONE REMEMBER WHATSAFONG?? Huh. So the next time!