Somewhere at the banks of the Yellow River, Yakuza Adam is unenthusiastically chopping wood with a machete. Cop Kono comes cheerfully carrying a bucket of drink water trout from said yellow river. Before Kono can serve Adam the breakfast she caught him, wash the dishes for him and wipe his mouth, Chinchin chimes on the phone to warn Kono that the Yakuza got their location. Adam is helpless and hides under the bed as a Young Asian Male (YAM) approaches, waving a gun and making a mean face. Kono bamfs YAM to submission, doing the same for YAM no. 2 and YAM no. 3. Having saved Adam’s cute but clueless a$$, Kono asks him if he’s OK. Adam wipes his tears, attempts a brave smile and uselessly asks Kono if she is OK. I’m confuzzled: who of the two has the b@lls?
A Walker, Texas Ranger, complete with cowboy boots and hat, arrives at the Hawaiian airport. The Texan picks a Young Attractive Male (YAM). Wait. It’s not the full stop yet. The Texan picks a YAM waiting for a Mr Smith—though the Texan obvi isn’t a Smith, for we know him to be a Walker—and has himself walked to a limo. Said YAM has a set of pointed ears and so shall be called Spock. The Texan and Spock argue as to who will drive. For a lack of subtler arguments, the Texan bamfs Spock into submission, puts him in the limo trunk and drives himself. I got a hunch: we’re at the beginning of Vulcan vs. Earth star wars.
Unaware of this regrettable intergalactic incident, the H50hs in blue and red tees are playing baseball with kiddos. A mean-looking blue boy (henceforth Avatar) is showing off his b@lls, throwing them at red Monkey, who attempts to hit them and send them back to Avatar’s face. Judging from Gracie’s deeply depressed face, she sucks at it. #&%X@? happens. I got no clue what it is, since as an Eastern European I have encoded in my genes a complete oblivion of American sports. Steve, acting as an Ass(t) Coach, is angered by #&%X@? and his Moose in its black shorts rises to revenge. Danno is emo-ed by #&%X@? and his Elk in its grey shorts hangs its head sadly. McMoose approaches Big K, acting as a referee, invades his personal space, kicks dirt on his boots and tries to outstare him. McMoose’s comic talent amuses me something fierce and I’m laughing like a hyena at a moose. Sadly, the hilarious c0ck-off is interrupted by the necessary call-off to a case.
McDanno meet Spock on the beach, and Spock is cool and (de)composed, as characteristic of Vulcans even while they’re alive. And this one is dead. In a funnily noncommittal mode, Marx observes that Spock appears to have been killed by what appears to be two shots behind his pointed ears that appear to be incurred while he was apparently tied up. Acting so unsuspicious that everyone on the set stops to look, Marx produces an envelope from his champ box and attempts to hand it stealthily over to McMoose. McMoose tries and fails to shove the envelope in the back pocket of his cargo pants, for the pants love his a$$ so much that they refuse to part from it even a fraction of inch.
In the black Marquis, courtesy of McPoppa (RIP), Danno significantly stares at McMoose, who answers with his What’s-Wrong-Face. Since Steve can’t talk (he can only bark orders), he surrenders the envelope for Danno to read. In a terribly anticlimactic manner, Danno the Elk surveys the paper and observes that Steve the Moose is not related to Whoafat. Whoa! In that case, She Who Can’t Be Trusted can’t be Steven’s mother, for if Doris ain’t Whoafat’s momma, I don’t know who is. To help me overcome my disappointment at the lack of reveal (either of the Whoafat mystery or of the Moose), Danno hysterically comments that he does see why Steve thought that Whoafat the psychopathic beast was his brother. An incidental resemblance.
In the middle of Hawaiian Chinese rain forests, the Noncaucasians learn that old classic cars are temperamental as their jeep breaks down. Kono, still inappropriately cheerful about her hiding from hitmen in the middle of nowhere with no food, water or wi-fi, fixes the jeep. Adam asks Kono curiously if there’s anything she can’t do. A wrong question. The right question would be for Kono to ask Adam if there’s anything he can do. Adam (over)thinks that they should separate for Kono’s safety. Yes, I think so, too, but I’m seriously worried about Adam’s survival chance without his female bodyguard. Kono tells Adam to be a good boy and look and learn, for she plans to hit the Yakuza before the Yakuza can hit them. Attagirl!
In the H50h HQ, Chinchin beams with pride as he lays his hands on the brand new baby ESS. The Moose, judging from the swelling of McPants in the crotch area, strongly approves. The Elk couldn’t care less and retreats grumpily below the level of the majik table. ESS identifies our victim Spock as Spock. The 50hs start speculating, instead of using logics as Spock the Vulcan would’ve preferred. Someone enters. It’s Billy Budd, Sailor (BB), with whom Cath had a thing in Amsterdam. Cause Steve pulled the files of all Cath’s ex-things, he hugs BB as I would hug an eek spider (not even with a ten-foot pole) and shows him to his office. BB confides in McMoose that he wants Cath back, under the pretext of offering Cath a lucrative job. I dislike BB’s guts and shall henceforth dub him Kill Bill. Cause that’s what McMoose should do. #SoonerRatherThanLater.
ESS identifies our suspect Walker, Texas Ranger, as a Texas Ranger. The 50hs watch him in some of his best TV roles recorded on surveillance cameras, which illustrate how illustrious cop he is when he’s not killing extraterrestrials. Meanwhile, to show that he makes no difference if you come from Vulcan or from Hawaii, the Texan invites himself to the home of a big bearded Hawaiian, who is at the moment peacefully reading his Playboy. Hilariously, the Texan procures a rope, whirls it above his head for the cameras and ties the Big Beard (BB) up, hissing in his ear: “Cause that’d how it’s done in Texas, y’schmuck!” BB has not clue. And neither do I, as the Texan walks in BB’s kitchen and helps himself to some peanut butter. Don’t they have peanut butter in Texas?
Steve ushers Cat, whom he apparently summoned for a cross-examination on Kill Bill’s request, in his office. He immediately jumps at her. Wait. Sadly, it’s not the full stop. He jumps at her for her failure to report to him her intention to leave the army. Sorry, I mean: the navy. Steve starts in a slightly jelly manner, but soon he recalls that he has the Moose and relaxes. Cause no sane woman 18+ would give up the Moose for anything. Except Danno Girls, who prefer the Elk. Anyway, McMoose continues to interrogate Cat with an amused face and positively cracks up into a naughty grin when he concludes he’ll miss Cat’s cammies. I’m thinking that Kono should return ASAP to teach Cat how to bamf bad boys into submission, for McMoose is badly in need of a good spanking. Moose Boot Camp Ladies-Styles, nuff said. Will Cat tie the Moose to her bed and show him how it’s done in Amsterdam? You’ll learn it in Part Two, coming here.