*Warning: I’m mean but I don’t mean it.*
The Plot in Short: Steve frowns a lot, smiles a little, eye-s3xes Cat but forgets to FOY-s3x her. This shall also be remembered as the rare episode where Wardrobe was neither drunk nor stoned.
This Week’s Moral: Be a bad girl and you’ll marry a rich boy.
The Non-Caucasians in love, Kono and Adam, pull up in a would-be Hong Kong alley. They pop up the car trunk and ah, there’s a guy in a headbag! The romantic couple drags and drops Headbag in a filthy squat. Adam discovers himself to be a man and decides to make Headbag his take-away dinner. Kono wonders when exactly her girlfriend turned into a boyfriend. The Non-Caucasians are wearing bad bed hair and their respective scalps argue whether or not it’s okay to shoot in Headbag. Adam, who ate testosterone pills for breakfast, wins and continues Guantanamo-ing Headbag’s head. Hear, hear!
A bride walks down the aisle, wearing the fugliest fake jewel tiara. She realises what she’s doing, makes an OMG-WTF-LOL face, turns around and runs. (As much as a girl can run in heels. Which is not much.) No one stops her and the wedding must go on. The same bride is now wearing mascara instead of blush on her cheek and is crying while driving. (Is it even legal?) Her car meets a truck and as their ways part, Bride’s car ends up on its roof. A pair of ominous upside down booted feet appears and, as Bride cries help, the feet indeed help her – help her roll down the slope. Murder!
In a cinema, Steve controls a large bucket of popcorn, stuffs handfuls in his mouth and doesn’t share. He wonders why exactly rom-coms contain rom-com music. His girlfriend, Danno, explains from experience that it only works with oestrogen and that the combo activates girl’s feeeeeels. Cat pretends she knows neither Steve nor Danno and Gabby advises to Danno to spare his nerding for his blog. Steve analyses the film’s modus operandi and ends up rolling on the floor laughing. His cell rings and he’s lynched out of the cinema. Alone, Cat and Gabby hug and kiss. (No, they don’t.)
Team is called to a dead penguin in a hotel room. The penguin is a man in a tux with multiple gunshot wounds and defensive injuries. (<< Pretty cool lingo, right?) The man-penguin is not called Franz Fitzgerald, but he’s not called what he called himself either. Just released from a jail in Germany, he went on to operate under pennames. He invited himself to the wedding where nobody knew him, which may or may not be because the wedding guests were drinking heavily to the wisdom of the run-away bride. But the bride knew him, recognised him and bolted like Danno’s classic girl-rabbit.
In the Camaro, Danno believes that wedding is a nice word for family riot. (He’s right. Where I live, a marriage is not legitimised until there’s a fist-fight between guests, s3x between strangers and the groom has consumed too much slivovitz to consummate the bride.) Danno’s pompadour has a bad day because his own runaway-and-returned bride got a six-month job offer outside of the Pineapple Island. If he doesn’t let her, he’ll be hunted down and shot by Women’s Rights; if he does let her, he’ll miss her pancakes. (No euphemism, actual pancakes.) Danno doesn’t require Steve’s advice.
Team surrounds ESS, disarms her and hollers at her to cross her legs and give up the name of the suspect. The majik table obeys. Our red herring is a yellow human who is like fish in water while he’s playing beach volleyball. Herring’s promising petty crime career ends in the Blue Room, where Steve shows zero respect and literally laughs at Herring’s stupidity. (That hurt!) Herring didn’t kill Franz Fitzgerald because he’s a herring. Franz Fitzgerald is revealed to have had an accomplice in crime, his sister, who’s the same person as Bride. She testified against him in exchange for a lighter sentence.
Back in the Hong Kong squat, the Non-Caucasians go on totally ruining their hair as they’re questioning Headbag. Headbag goes on exercising silence. I yell at Adam to stop punching Headbag and start thinking. Dear Adam, Yakuza hates your hair because presiding Yakuza is not a job you could quit but a job that quits you. Clear? Headbag hisses something in Japanese. Kono yells that she’s Korean and will someone please translate for her? Adam appeases Kono by translating that the Yakuza wants her dead, too. Chinchin on the phone yells if that’s Adam’s idea of taking care of Kono?
More yelling and other political incorrectness coming in Part Two here.