Oh my, not again! Show writers really need a lei. Why does this begin with a scantily clad woman AGAIN? Why not start with a scantily clad man nekkid Alex O’Loughlin instead? Wait. The half-nekkid chic is Cat! She’s putting on a little black dress, stay-ups and garters. What? Stay-ups AND garters? Ah. It’s a thigh holster. All that Cat needs now is a little black cat in lieu of accessories. Cat, you wanna hire my big black cat?
Aaahhh!! Aaaaaahhhhhh!!! Half-nekkid Alex O’Loughlin!!! Bless you, Atplenkov. Unfff. Half-nekkid Alex O’Loughlin emerges from the shower, wearing just a towel in lieu of loincloth. I prefer to imagine him in a leopard-patterned loincloth. Or without a loincloth. Where was I? Oh. He is dripping wet and totally chesthair angel worthy. Uh. His lips are moving. Is he talking? I can’t focus. Alskdjfgdkasi…
Cat is wearing lipstick. I approve. Maybe next time they’ll allow her to paint her nails? She’d be gorgeous if Show let her look different than a cavewoman before the invention of make-up. #justsayin. Cat is dressing up for a Casino Royale undercover op. Let me guess. She’ll be undercover as a h00ker? Sorry, I’m digressing. Now: Cat insists she’s doing this, so McLovers kiss and Steve gives Cat his spare H50h badge.
Cat walks in the casino and heads straight to a Yakuza guy. Yagu (short for Yakuza guy) is a dumba$$ because he doesn’t remember that Cat flirted with him in the previous epi. Cat invades Yagu’s personal space, no questions asked, and like I told you! She’s undercover as a h00ker! She lures Yagu in the toilets and demands to know where Santa Claus is. She speaks of Santa as Santo or something. But there’s a struggle!
There’s an epic struggle, y’all! Yagu doesn’t enjoy Cat’s flashing her gun at him, so he flashes his fist at her. Ouch! Are you kidding? Is this what a gentleman would do to a lady?! Ugh. There’s a real hard fight, blood is everywhere and the toilets are being smashed into pieces. There’s also a lot of leg flashing, for the creepy camera adores Cat’s racy lacy black hold-ups. I have a pair of these, too, FYI. And Cat prevails! Yay!
Chinjin is fake-eating a plateful of pancakes and harmonising his yin-and-yang by texting with a lover. He’s not only multi-multitasking, but also texting in complete and grammatically correct sentences. No abbreviations, Queen’s English, hear, hear! I’m amazed. Chi McBride, better known as Chiant, fake-eats at another table. He tries to pay Chinjin’s pancakes and when he’s refused, he starts threatening and blackmailing! WTF?
The doorbell rings and Steve shouts that he’s coming. Oh oh my my, is he?! Nope. False advertising. He’s not “coming” but just coming. Also, the last time I ran down the stairs like Steve’s running now, I slipped and banged my a$$ something fierce. Steve opens the door in the face of a buybee!! Huh. WHAT IS THAT?? Ah, hidden camera! Mary snaps Steve’s faaaaaace with the hidden camera and says the baby’s hers. WHAT AGAIN??
Is that even Mary, Steve’s bada$$ sis? Show sanitised her somehow and she, poor dear, looks like a desperate housewife and mother of eleven. Anyway. She says she adopted the buybee. WHAAAT? Just like that? Steve says she should return the thing the buybee. Well, if she got the kid online, she can return it within fourteen days after purchase for a full refund. Just kid-ding. The buybee is called Joan of Arc, BTW.
An unkempt surfer is fake-surfing. He can’t real-surf, so he just paddles when it comes to a close-up. While paddling, he lustily stares at the beach, where there’s a woman and a kid. Is the Unfer (short for unkempt surfer), G0d forbid, a r@pist? Another surfer approaches. (Why do all Hawaiian surfers surf fully clothed?) The other surfer is about to give Unfer a high five, but then he changes his mind and stabs him to death.
McTeam is called to the crime scene. They are fully clothed and I wonder if they’re going surfing. Marx concludes that the vic is dead and male. (Well, good to know.) Engels IDs the vic on the spot with his geeky tech thingy. McTeam is up to BAMFing vic’s house, but they’re disappointed because the house has been stolen. I mean robbed. There’s a moderate mess and a mysterious key that Chinjin finds in the gutter.
The gutter serves for an outdoor shower, which is running. I coach Steve to STRIP AND GET IN, at least for the three-minute SEAL shower! Please? Or for a Mr Wet Tshirt contest? Huh? Nope. Chinjin spoils the s.xual spark at my end by pulling, besides the key, photos out of the gutter and recognising Unfer in them as someone else. He was an aspiring cop before he became a heroin user and a trainspotter. (Are there trains in Hawaii?)
A guy that looks like my uncle claims Unfer’s body. So Unfer was a trainspotter but not a heroin user, for it was part of his super-duper-secret cover. Unfer was undercover for so long that when Chinjin breaks the news to his wife, she very much just shrugs. *shrug* Uncle is more sincerely p!ssed off by the loss because they were at the verge of a huge arrest. Unfer’s scrivener blames the death on Uncle because she hates her job.
Part Two coming right here!