Tokyo, Yakuza headquarters. Oh no more pre-shot Adam-Kono plot, please! Are you going to bore me till I die, Show? Wait. It starts with a beautiful woman and an ugly man a man with a great personality who, in her own words, is making her happy. Maybe the custom-made jewellery that GP (Great Personality, not general practitioner) presents to her has some share in her happiness too. GP suddenly stops reacting to what she is saying, and I know that they haven’t been couple for very long, for she thinks his lack of response is unusual (!) and worriedly starts looking for him. But he’s gone!
GP has been kidnapped by a bunch of ninjas in black. Wait. I think I’m recognising the nose and yeah, one ninja removes the sock from his head and it’s Steve the handsome devil! The other ninjas are Cat and Chinjin and oh, the last one is Kono! But where’s Danno? Does he hate besides Hawaii also all other islands? GP stops speaking in Japanese because Chinjin has yelled at him: “I’m Korean, you schmuck!” And Kono followed him with: “I’m Canadian, BTW, and where’s Adam?” Because GP is Santo, short for Santa Claus, who’s hard to find but Cat hunted him down. (Cats have great smell, see?)
Kono is p!ssed off like h€ll because Santa refuses to give her Adam for Christmas. Maybe Kono wasn’t a good girl? She’s not a good girl now because she makes a face at Santa that scares me to death. Santa is not impressed, so she grabs her gun to get his attention. Santa says she’ll never see Adam again, not because he’s dead but because the Yakuza had a sentimental moment and let him go, and now he’s faking his death. Kono likes Tokyo, so she’s staying here. Chinjin is about to protest when she reminds him he told her once to follow her mislead heart. Chinjin bitterly regrets and says no more.
An underage girl is having s€x on web camera with a skinny underage boy. She hears footsteps and interrupts what she’s doing (heh), and in the room walks Chi McBride! He’s still a giant and still deserves to be dubbed Chiant. Hey, Chiant, hello! *air hearts* Because he’s a detective (or because he’s father to a teenager), he immediately detects that she’s been engaged in illicit activities. He doesn’t mind so much her s€xing as such but rather that she’s doing it online. We want no s€x tapes leaking, right? Chiant confiscates her Hello Kitty laptop and so cuts off her connection with the world.
Steve’s big blue car pulls up at the governor’s office. Steve gets out, hitches his pants and makes a most terrible p!ssed-off face. You know why? Because he just saw Chiant getting out of his own big black car right under his nose. Before you could take in what’s up, the two alpha males are pulling their hair and kicking their shins. Except Chiant has an unfair advantage owing to his not having any hair on his head. The two alphas exchange wows that they’ll hate each other till their dying day. A maid opens the door, invites them in, and Steve hilariously squeezes himself in before Chiant.
Chiant has filed a complaint on Steve. Steve is upset by Chiant’s betrayal of the alpha-male code: an alpha doesn’t cry on the governor’s lap but challenges his opponent to a life-or-death FOY fight. Steve grabs the complaint (it’s a huge file and weighs in at whale, like the FOY) and reads: he’s aggressive, arrogant and a beast in bed. Guilty as charged. The governor orders the two alphas to stop it NOW, shake their hands and braid their hair. Then he sends them off as partners to a mission of collecting parking ticket fines from a youthful delinquent. They thud in disbelief. I thud with laughter. *thud*
The two alphas fight like jackals or hyenas over the envelope with the payment reminder. Steve wins! They both want to drive, so instead of flipping a coin like civilised people, they each drive their respective cars. Very uncool and environment-unconscious. They pull up next to each other at the lights and exchange horrifying death stares. When–suddenly–Steve–hits–the–gas and off he fliiiiiieees! This I call mature behaviour. *snort* Steve wins again. He’s waiting at the scene, with the FOY bulging angrily in the cargo pants, when Chiant arrives, gets out and lets out a deep sigh. *sigh*
The alphas have troubles penetrating the youthful delinquent’s house. (That wouldn’t happen with my house. Heh.) Steve, more and more p!ssed off, drops the letter in the mailbox and considers the whole postman errand done. Not so much Chiant. The alphas start a new c0ck-off, drop their pants, take out their FOYs and compare the sizes. No, they don’t. (But wouldn’t that be nice?) Steve hears the sound of shooting, puts away the FOY and takes out the gun. The actual gun, you know. Chiant calls him Pavlov’s dog because it’s a computer game. I collapse to the floor in convulsive laughter.
Apparently, computer games have been much improved since the good old days of my youth and Tetris. The youthful delinquent (Yoda for short) is playing some online interactive multiplayer whatever. Chiant scares the sh!t out of Yoda and kills him. I mean: kills his game character. Steve advises Yoda that this is not how it’s done in SEAL School and that he must secure the perimeter. The alphas manage to hand over the love letter and are about to arrest Yoda. But first they allow him to put on his shirt and advise him to change his pants. (Remember, Chiant scared the SH!T out of him.)
The alphas are to put Yoda in the car trunk and kidnap him to the nearest cop station. But when Steve opens the door, he is hit by a bullet in his biceps tattoo! He swiftly shuts the door and bang! wham! there starts a serious shoot-out between the alphas inside and three unidentified betas outside. Yoda must be thrilled to see his computer game come alive. Steve strangles one beta with a toaster cord, Chiant crushes another beta with the sheer weight of his body. (I’m thrilled to see my fantasy come alive.) But the last beta gets away and kidnaps Yoda, which scares more sh!t out of him.
The alphas return to the kitchen and Chiant starts making pancake batter. (What the h€ll is happening?) Steve, who feels no pain because he’s a SEAL machine, uses ink from a pen to take the dead betas’ fingerprints. (Again, WHAT the h€ll is happening?) Chiant, who doesn’t know that pancakes are a seeeeerious s€xual innuendo, offers Steve some pancakes. McChiant shippers scream with pleasure. Steve applies the batter on his tattoo to stop the bleeding and groans with pain. (I’m highly excited, though I’d prefer him groaning with joy.) Where was I? I got lost in the gutter. Oops.
You’ll find me in Part Two here.