Danno! Danno is wearing his Elk-friendly grey shorts and looking happy [sic], Elk and all. Whatsup? Oh, there is the entire ohana (and some strangers whom no one wants) trespassing on the grass, running wildly to and fro, waving hands hysterically and hugging people on random. (Very much like me after a prolonged session of slivovitz consumption.) They look like they’re playing baseball, except there are no baseball sticks (are these called bats?), so I suspect they’re cheating. Danno tiptoes like a ballet dancer (that was his dream job, but he didn’t grow to be tall enough, y’see) and Steve struts about in black shorts that should be sheer but are not.
Danno grabs Cat (the wrong GF, Danno!), pats her down and drags her on his shoulder in direction of his den, I think. Cat is pantsless. Wait, she’s actually wearing shorts, but they are very spare and bare. Update: Cat is not pantsless but pantiesless. Steve couldn’t care less because he has a seeerious stuffing operation to attend to. (No dirty innuendos, please.) He leaves his team behind (because they’re not SEALs, y’know) and catches Mary in the act of blow-drying a huge turkey’s hairs. Turns out Mary failed to unfreeze the bird for the Thanksgiving dinner. Steve’s veins pop out dangerously and he looks at Mary’s baby like he’s to use it instead of the turkey.
A doorbell rings and I’m sure it’s the animal rights protection league. But it’s Evelyn Harper, Charlies’s mom (not to be confused with Stifler’s mom), the h0rny little lady from Two and Half Men! Wait, she’s playing a Deborah Whatsyournameagain here, Steve and Mary’s long-lost auntie. Cool! Except it’s hot, for auntie pats down Steve (she approves of the grey in his hair), then gives him a judging faaace (she disapproves of the tattoos) and just walks in. I think I love her. Steve is called off to attend to another corpse than that of the frozen turkey and auntie promises she’ll keep an eye on the c0ck (the turkey). I think I’m slipping down the gutter.
McDanno graciously appear at the crime scene and there’s a human-sized barrel containing guess what? Yes, the dissolved remains of a human. I’m not impressed: not only did they do it all the time on Breaking Bad, but we’ve been dissolving corpses in lye here in Eastern Europe ever since the 1990s. Except we dropped them in a dam because we don’t have the ocean. Back to Show. The Jack in the box is a SS guy (Secret Service, not Schutzstaffel, mind you), who was in Hawaii to check if the place was safe enough for the US President to visit. Clearly, it was not. The dead SS guy’s superior guy says the president will visit anyway and he’s the chief suspect.
Auntie and Mary go hunting turkeys. Auntie has neither a taser nor a hunting rifle on her (because she’s nothing like Doris), and I suspect there’s no good turkey game in Hawaii anyway. They walk in a butcher’s and though auntie offers the not-very-helpful butcher s.xing favours, he has no turkey for her (no euphemism here). Little Joan of Arc starts whimpering because all the dead chickens and stuff scare her. Auntie comforts her because she’s a freakin baby whisperer. Meanwhile Chinchin calls Kono to the middle of nowhere (maybe there are turkeys where she is?) and informs her he eliminated the entire Yakuza fraction. Just like this? Cool!
The dead SS guy was doing a background check on a suspect, a potential threat to the president, for which purpose he hired a pretty cottage on the beach. (How do I get the SS job?) Steve storms the cottage wide-legged, like he’s carrying a whale in his pants (which he does), and Danno hilariously hops in after him. They retrieve on the premises what looks like a small bomb, though Danno calls it a big bullet. There’s noise in the background and Steve nearly shoots to death a nosy neighbour. Wait, it’s the landlady of the cottage, who just peed her panties, and after her there comes her daughter, a good good girl, who’s the new chief suspect. (Mine.)
Whodunit? Read Part Two here.