H50h 4.11 Recap/Picspam: Sardonic *snort* and Sentimental *sniff*

In brief: Chinchin removes his shirt to cover up for the fact that Steve hasn’t removed his pants yet. Steve and Chiant come out of the closet and declare their undying mutual love. Jackie in the box is lost, found and returned. Also, criminal investigation happens. And, were you watching the same Show?

It’s holiday time and wild seasonal decorations have infested Hawaii. I hate the glittery stuff (is this a circus or what?) and eagerly anticipate a murder (cause I’m as morbid as that 😯 ). The perp of the week hates the tasteless décor too, for he *looks around innocently* and proceeds to burglarise the most awfully decorated mansion. He lets himself in discreetly, using what sounds and looks like an electric shaver and it reminds me that I must shave my legs. Once inside, the perp breaks in a safe box, makes a dumbfounded face, turns around and is shot to death by the landlord. His expression makes me LOL inappropriately 😆 , but I can be high on sleeping pills which failed to put me to sleep.

A bunch of kiddos in Santa caps are playing scrapyard on the beach. Wait. It’s actually a kind of a labour camp and the small Santas are collecting other people’s mess. Danno, wearing a community service uniform, watches others toiling while a fellow cougar (hi, cougar!) is harassing him. The cougar is Stifler’s mom Tamara’s mom, who thinks Danno s3xy, but Danno thinks she thinks anyone with a FOY s3xy. Chiant brings his daughter for penitentiary work to absolve her of her recent crimes, while Monkey is playing with some dirt without gloves. Danno yells at her and confiscates the treasure box that she found, and his pompadour is all messed up like after a good s3x bootcamp workout.

The crime scene is an actual scrapyard, where currently a photo shoot with the vic of the week is taking place. Chinchin hails Danno’s approach with a complete lack of poker face. Danno is all grumpy, dirty and cute, wearing his sweeper uniform accessorised with a Five-Oh badge, and his Elk in grey shorts is all eager to close the damned case ASAP. The dead body comes gift-wrapped in a foil (eek!) and was found by a dog (aww)! Danno doesn’t speak dog, but if the next time the witness is a cat, the Five Ohs can call me to translate for them *hint hint* cause I’m a crazy cat lady cause I speak fluent cat. Steve claricas how smart the perp is so that we could adore him even more when he solves the case.

Dear Steve, I don’t think I could adore you even more. Signed off, Marnov. Now, when Chinchin stops laughing at Danno’s attire, he takes out his phone and calls Kono. She’s still looking for Adam, who must hate her something fierce, hiding from her as he does.  Chinchin wishes Kono Merry Kakakaka (or something like that), on which she hangs up. WTF? You don’t end your calls by saying bye-bye? On a side note, I love the seasonal decoration of Marx’s mortuary, where he’s happily dissecting away the vic. There was latex under the vic’s  nails and the Five Ohs think he maybe needed it professionally (which he did because he was a professional burglar, right?). Either that or he was a latex freak.

Steve shares the vic’s pic on Facebook with Kamekona and 31 others. Kamekona, who tweets as @BigK, likes it (and so do 16 of our mutual friends) but comments that the guy looks dead. Danno jumps in the threat, being very witty, very grumpy and very sardonic, on which Big K unfriends and blocks him. Big K insists on his Timeline that he doesn’t have knowledge of the whereabouts of each persona non grata on the island, but he PMs to Steve that he’ll look into it. Which he does and subsequently appears in the Five-Oh’s office with a miniature guitar, playing it terribly and singing even worse. Besides the dwarf guitar, he brings the intel that the vic’s name is Victor! The vic is Vic, heh!

In lieu of cargument, Danno is stubbornly quiet and fiddles with the treasure box that Monkey found. It’s a puzzle and Danno is puzzled because it won’t open. Danno is also a lying liar who lies because when Steve asks him what the h3ll he’s up to, Danno says he’s knitting a pair of socks. (For me? Thanks! My feet are always cold and right now I have a warm air heater directed at my feet running on full blast.) Steve, being an impatient d3vil, grabs the box and opens it with ease so that we could love him even more. And those of us who can, they do. Steve believes the box is a relic of Japanese tsunami and indeed, there’s a locket with a photo of a small non-Caucasian girl inside of the box.

McDanno burglarise the burglar’s house, which is being burglarised at the moment, and it’s a mess. Burglar the Second is put under arrest, dragged in the Blue Room and cross-examined by McRoll. He keeps on checking out Cat’s chest but gets very upset when told that his fellow burglar is dead. With this news he lost his partner in crime, which he could get over, and his source of income, which really sucks. It’s clear to anyone but McRoll that Burglar numba Two is red herring, so Whatsafong must step in to bring the evidence that the red herring is a queer fish and not the big fish they’re looking for. If that makes any sense. Danno asks Whatsafong to abuse his lab facilities and find out all about Jack(ie) in the box.

Burglar Two collaborated with Burglar One in sending him tips for houses worth robbing (those with the fugliest seasonal decoration). Chinchin and Cat get the shortlist and set off in terrain to find which of the houses was robbed last. Chinchin is let in by a suspiciously helpful house owner, who tails him while Chinchin examines the house, because he’s as creepy as that. Chinchin finds some tin foil on the floor and thinks it’s evidence, while I think it’s hilarious because you could find as much tin foil and stuff on my floor as you like and all that it’s evidence for is that the place is being lived in. The house owner disapproves, takes offence and hits poor Chinchin in his head, making him an ugly booboo.

In the Five-Oh’s office a businesswoman appears and introduces herself as FBI. Is she something like Lori of Home Security, LoHo the Second? I shall call her so all the same. She decided that it was maybe the time to inform the Hawaiian authorities that they got a serial killer on the island and that it’s likely the same person who killed Burglar One. LoHo Two notes that the perp is male because, in general, men are animals and because, in particular, this beast targets young women. (Good, I’m off the grid.) Leilani, about whose existence in the plot I totally forgot, emerges out of nowhere and approaches the Five-Oh special task force to investigate why Chinchin hasn’t showed up for their date.

Chinchin probably forgot about Leilani too because as the landlord was dragging him downstairs in the cellar, he surely gave him concussion. It looked ugly, ouch. The perv ties Chinchin up and starts sharpening a pair of pliers ostentatiously. It’s like a horror movie trope – say, Texas Chainsaw Massacre – and it’s moderately funny (yes, I honestly do find horror movies comical because they’re so extravagantly unreal). Chinchin is put in a dentist’s chair and I’m reminded that I must make an appointment with my dentist. Chinchin, who’s obviously read far too much Freud, tries to psychoanalyse and manipulate the perv. (On a side note, have you ever read Freud? You should, it’s hilarious!)

The perv is unhappy with Chinchin’s psychotherapy and sticks some duct tape over his mouth to keep him quiet. Another visitor is ringing at the perv’s door and it’s his girlfriend! She’s brought him chicken soup (chickens, heh 😆 ) because she believes he’s sick. Which he is. She soon finds that out as he hits her in the head and brings her down to the cellar, which is now getting crowded. While the perv is busy with his confounded GF, Chinchin crawls on the floor to get at the pliers to cut his ties with. He kind of succeeds, but the perv launches himself at his head and there’s an epic fight. Chinchin is such a BAMF! And the GF is such a curler, for she kicks a gun so that it slides on the floor right in Chinchin’s hand.

Meanwhile, the Five-Ohs are rushing to the scene, but they’re late and everybody dies. Just kiddin! Chinchin needs no help, he overpowers the perv himself and shoots him. Steve opens the safe box and its contents p!ss him off. The implication is probably that it holds the perv’s keepsakes, the fingers he cut off his vics. Outside on the sunny street, Chinchin has stripped his shirt to get his injuries treated, and he should stop lifting weights right now, for his arms are getting seriously outsized. McChiant come out of the closet and Chiant informs the world that Steve loves him. Danno informs the world that Steve is cheap and loves a free dinner. Cool! Dear Steve, I invite you to dine on me! (Even literally 😛 .)

Because the season asks for it, everyone is doing charity. Some look more ridiculous while doing that than others. Chiant puts on a red sack, attaches some cotton wool on his chin and yells hohoho and I nearly pee my panties. Steve and Cat put on some nice clothes (minus Cat’s fugly boots) and bring flowers on McPoppa’s grave. Danno gives Monkey roller skates for a present and she’s depressed because she wanted the new iPhone. Whatsafong couldn’t sleep because of Jackie in the box, so he comes to tell Danno that he identified her as a vic of the tsunami and her father as the only surviving family member. And guess what. Danno flies to Japan and returns the man his daughter’s picture. *sniff and off*

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The FUCUPs that perv together stay together. Let’s!

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