Steve and Chiant love each other but wouldn’t let on. Danno is jealous because nobody loves him. A substitute for Monkey is needed and a cougar is provided. Also, there might have been plot.
People half my age and younger are having fun in a shabby bar. Many are wearing cut-off jeans shorts and I wonder if it’s the eighties again. A grumpy guy sitting at the bar just made a donation of kevlars to the HPD and looks like he’s sorely regretting it. A waitress claricas that the grumpy guy is a good guy and I don’t trust her. There’s an unrelated bar scuffle and the Grumpy Good Guy (3G for short) interferes, waving about with a baseball bat. Yeah, he’s clearly a goodie. Snort. The guys from the scuffle feel like striking back later, so they ambush 3G on his way home. Someone will get hurt here.
Vancouver, cold like in Siberia. Grace Park doesn’t mind it because she’s Canadian and she’s home. She enters a café and instead of ordering pancakes, like any other person would do in this weather, she walks right in the kitchen and yells, Is anyone home? There’s an unshaven guy of unsavoury appearance at the counter and when he turns, Kono squees and swoons because it’s Adam. Kono assures Adam that the Yakuza are either dead or jailed and that they can go home now. Just like that. Kono is heavily emo and looks like she’s having a diabetes seizure, so someone please feed her pancakes.
Danno is driving Monkey to a cheerleader bootcamp and Monkey can’t wait to be rid of him. In a few years, he’ll be driving her to Uncle Steve’s S€x Bootcamp. Justsayin. Monkey suggests that Danno go away now and part of Danno crawls in the corner and dies. While Danno is experiencing an attack of hysteria, elsewhere Steve jumps up and down with joy because a newly kevlared HPD just brought him a smartphone found on the crime scene. Steve taps the dial-back with his org@smic finger and it’s a short-distance call because he’s put through to Chiant who’s stalking on the site a few steps away.
The crime scene is clearly very popular. Steve disapproves and challenges Chiant to a c0ck-off, except he puts it euphemistically and says, We need to talk. Chiant insists that he’s not a stalking stalker who stalks but just a good guy helping his friend. We know this kind of good guys. Double snort. The currently missing bar owner is Chiant’s friend and Chiant is here on a private investigation mission. Steve and Chiant patty-cake, Steve assures Chiant of his boundless support and proposes. Proposes that Chiant work with him. Chiant says, Oh yes please and thank you. I never say thank you when I get extra work.
Chiant and Steve are in a car. Guess who’s driving. Yes. Steve juggles the steering wheel and the phone and cargues with Danno on the line. Danno complains of his Monkey growing up. Steve, being in a soft mood today, says, lol and hugsies and it’ll be fine. Chiant grabs the phone to warn Danno that it won’t be fine and that he may wish to go hang himself sooner rather than later. Danno bursts into tears and screams he’ll build a time machine and get back to the time before he met Steve and Chiant and was happy and was not yet born. That was the only time when Danno was happy, y’know.
Danno pulls up at a petrol station. There’s a cougar-chick who asks him for directions and Danno forgets all about monkeys on the spot. When their awfully awkward convo is over, Danno puts his Elk back in his pants and the petrol hose back in the stand and off he drives. He ignores the call of duty, follows the call of Elk in the opposite direction and starts trailing the cougar’s car. He gets her and she’s so taken away that she crashes. Danno uses this opportunity to give her a mouth-to-mouth and play with her b00bs. She’s been shot and Danno thinks it was a merman, for he stares long at the ocean.
Chiant and Steve pay a visit to the hospital when a survivor of the bar scuffle lies badly hurt. Chiant wants to play. Me too. With Steve. Steve also feels playful and after making sure that no one is around, he happily assists Chiant in torturing the patient. The patient knows nothing, except that there was a scuffle, his friend got stabbed to death and the Grumpy Good Man (3G) fought back like a lion (heh, Lion). Chinchin, due to his complete lack of poker face, spills that 3G is actually a criminal on the run. Blah-blah years ago, he was driving a getaway car and killed someone’s fiancée in the process.
Chiant is hugely displeased by the news and angrily walks in 3G’s house to confront his wife. The wife knows nothing, but there are two kids too small to understand that Steve’s badge is not the most interesting thing in his waist-level area. They ask Steve to play with the badge. I’m asking him to play with the FOY. Obvi. While Chiant insists that the wife tell him what she doesn’t know, like the numbers of the next Lotto draw, the kids spill it all. Daddy was in the house while mommy was sleeping, he grabbed some camping equipment and wandered in the jungle to make himself s’mores.
Danno is on a merman-hunt. His Elk leads the way and brings Danno to a beach where there’s a photo session of hot chicks and prop rifles. Danno tries and fails to shoot from the props, so as a consolation price, he asks for all the photos of the half-nekkid chicks that were taken that day. While drooling over the pics, he notices there’s a creepy boat in some of them that needs to be photoshopped out. He locates the boat and finds in it one adult man and a kindergarten. The man allowed one of the boys to shoot on random with a whale rifle and that’s where it got him. My son the murderer.
Chinchin, who knows it all, discovers that 3G was meant to be murdered. Well, this is what it looked to me like already half an hour ago. Show, you’re so slow. But I forgive you because you have Steve and Steve has the FOY. Now, Chinchin interrogates the hitman in the hospital again but unlike Chiant and Steve, he’s using the mental torture technique. He doesn’t look very menacing in his pink patterned shirt, though. The hitman hates pink, so just to get rid of Chinchin, he admits to being a hitman and spills that he and his fellows were hired to dispose of 3G by the fiancé of the killed fiancée.
Chiant and Steve are tracking 3G in the jungle, following the smell of s’mores. They are displaying their tail feathers, no innuendo intended though I wish it was, and generally having an on-the-go dance-off. Chiant tells Steve that he’s not half as good as he thinks of himself. That’s right because Steve is much better than he thinks of himself. The FOY rises to disagree with Chiant and Steve bites back and encourages Chiant to confide in him his fears and secrets. Chiant lols and says he won’t because they’re only at their first base yet. The FOY makes a grumpy face. Chiant scowls, growls and snorts.
The arguing bromantic lovers split, on which Chiant is tackled by 3G. Inspired by Steve’s previous zen-blah-blah, Chiant also attempts to zen the guy to submission. When this doesn’t work, he just takes him down and cuffs him. Crude but effective. The couple, meaning Chiant and Steve, allow 3G to say bye-bye to his sons, who look very girly and slightly bored. Also, they are copies of each other in different sizes. In keeping with the sappy mood, 3G asks to be allowed to apologise to the fiancé who wanted to murder him in revenge. He does so. Now, will the two share the same cell and be there for each other?
Danno smuggled his pompadour in the hospital where the cougar-chic whom he CPR-ed is recovering. The first thing she sees after waking up from comma is Jersey the Pompadour. Is that good or bad? Danno is behaving silly and teary. Elsewhere, Steve’s house serves as a meeting point for all the recurring actors who have to be given something to do from time to time. I have no clue what’s on because Steve is wearing jeans. He struts in the middle of the room and inquires, Aren’t I a handsome devil? Yes, you are, sir. The door opens and Adam and Kono come home. Happy ending.